*laugh* it's been just about 2 weeks and I have yet to print out the photos from dubs. *ponder* i HAVE to make my way down to some photo developing place soon..

I bought new jeans last night ( finally ).. the only drawback is that i won't be able to wear it if i put on more weight.. low waist jeans and a tummy do NOT go...Come to think of it. maybe buying it wasn't such a good idea after all.. i'll have to walk around holding my fat stomach in *cringe* and when i sit.. *shudder* oh well.. *shrug* who cares. i like the jeans.

i'm so proud of myself! Finished one whole lecture's worth of notes yesterday *beam* of course... if i continued at that rate i wont be done studying in time for the paper.. *wince* Maybe i'll be able to finish another one today. JUST maybe.

about time i did this.. up on Lianne's site and Jen's site as well. some.. duo quiz. where you describe both yourself and your dream guy apparently. here it goes..

Me/My Dream Guy

1. Hair color? black / slight highlights are fine... but i dont think i'll want one with a mopful of bleached blond hay that used to be his hair.

2. Eye color? black / No preference.

3. Height? 1.54m. Or 5'1". / gotta be taller than 1.70m for SURE.

4. Six pack? *pokes self* feels too soft. nope. no six pack. / *sparkle* yes please. well.. yeah but it really doesnt matter THAT much.

5. Long/short hair? Long. / short? medium? just not F4 locks. *shudder*

6. Glasses? nope / doesnt matter... i mean..glasses CAN look good sometimes. really depends on what kinda glasses

7. Piercings/Tattoos? on my ears. one piercing each. no more thank you./ *cringe* can he not? pls?
8. Chest hair? EEK! no! / Uh, hopefully, not excessive. A little's fine.
9. Buff or skinny? plumpish ( look i can console myself right?) / lean! i want my guy LEAN!

10. Straight teeth, gap, or braces? straight / straight. or at least if not straight, braces.. so they WILL be straight-er.

11. Punk/jock/emo/sXe/goth?.. where did casual go? / casual pls.

12. Funny or serious? erm.. half and half i suppose / i rather have a guy who knows when to joke and when not to. funny for most though.

13. Party or stay at home? stay at home. / stay at home..

14. Cook or bake? *cough* can't *cough* i'll set the.. kitchenonfire *cough* / Oooo yes pls.

15. Presence of a best friend? *rolls eyes* *points to Lianne and Jenny*/ Naturally.. just not an ex or anything..

16. A lot of opposite sex friends? not really.. i'm not a very.. social person / a few.. not too many.

17. Outgoing or shy? *sparkle* shy? look i CAN be shy mate. just LEAVE it! / shy. *grin* always have a soft spot for the shy ones.

18. Sarcastic or sincere? sincere! have i EVER been sarcastic *halo* / Sincere of course.

19. Watch chick flicks? duh. / he has to! with me!

20. Smoke? no! EEwwwww! / i will NOT have a smoker sit NEXT to me. bloody air polluters.

21. Drink? yes pls./ not too much, he has to drive. *crosses fingers*

22. Cuss? once in awhile.. normally when i physically hurt myself or do something really embarrasing / I don't mind. Just not when it's inappropriate.

23. Pay for dates? i've never paid on a date... / DUH.

24. Kiss on the first date? nope./ Nope

25. Where would you go to dinner? anywhere with aircon, alrite service and nice food / Ditto.

26. Flowers? never given anyone flowers... / a surprise once in awhile will be.. more sufficient. i dont want to hang dried flowers all over my room.

27. Lay under the stars? *gush* yes please! / of course!

28. Write poetry about him/you? errr.. not my kinda thing / will be sweet..

29. Call him/you honey, sweetie, dear or baby? erm.. yeah. i actually stop using his name and call him dear all the time. / ditto

30. About him: Would he hang out with you and your friends? why not.. i mean.. yeah. some at least.

31. About me: Would you hang out with him and his friends? SOME... yeah.

32. Play sports? SPORTS *spits* nope. / doesnt really matter as long as he aint some fat... blimp.

33. Skateboard? i cant... uh balance / Whatever flips his cookie, as long as he doens't make me sit and watch if he does.

34. Snowboard? it looks fun... could be worth a try. / why not..

35. Play guitar? Nope / doesnt matter

36. Play piano? yesh. terribly.. but yes. / doesnt matter

37. Play drums? erm... no. / doesnt matter.

38. Clean your/his room? *cringe* *looks around at mess* / He'd better.

39. Paint, draw, sculpt? nope / doesnt matter

41. Would you/he sing for him/you? why not? / ditto

42. Use the word dude? Sometimes. / Why not?

43. Use the word tight? Hardly. / Does it matter?

44. What kind of car would you/he drive? i cant drive / as long as it moves and it aint TOO shabby...

45. Would you/he put you/his arm around him/you or hold his/your hands? Yeah. / Yeah.

46. Would you/he dance? cannot.dance. / doesnt matter.. i mean.. if he wants to learn salsa or something it'll be cool. i'll go with him.

47. How often would you/he see him/you? three times a week or something.. at least. / Same goes.

48. About me: Would you want him to get you jewelry? if its platinum/white gold.. real diamonds.. why not?

49. Stay up and talk all night long? yes / as long as its with me.. and not some other girl

50. Say I love you? not very often.. / everyday baby.

thanks lianne. for talk and lunch today *hugs*

helpless.

I can't escape what's going to happen eventually. yet that's what i want to do. escape. and wish that I could lose the ability to feel.. dread, pain, guilt etc.. the bombardment of all those at once is more than anyone can take. I told myself after a night's cry and talking to friends, i'll feel all better today. I woke up just now with swollen eyes and told myself I would not cry, that it was no big deal. People have survived.. why not the 2 of us?.. and the minute I heard his voice on the phone, i started crying again.

After awhile, the reality that melvin may be leaving for australia sinks in. and it sinks in hard. he says maybe this july. but he isnt sure. I should be happy for him. he's going to study after all.. it's for his future. And i should be able to trust him. that he wouldn't stray. that he would go there, and come back to me after 4 years.. and not change too much. *snort* yeah RIGHT. Everyone around me is changing on me and I can't do anything about it. Chances are when he comes back during his hols, i won't be able to recognize him anymore. He'll be some stranger in the body of someone i used to know. netmeet, he says. it doesnt change a thing. it doesnt change the fact that long-distance relationships don't last. it doesn't change the fact that he'll be gone. it doesnt change the fact that i'm not confident at all.It doesnt change the fact that half the time, i'll be wondering what he's doing.. if he's busy dating someone else. If he's got some other girl in his room. No. it doesnt change a thing. I should trust him more. yes. but such is the reality of life.. you cannot expect anyone to stay for you. to remain unchanged and wait for you. I just wish I could tell the tears to stop coming. i'm too tired to cry.. but my tear ducts seem to be hyperactive. i'm running out of tissues. i need to study. i need a pillar of strength. I need.. what i cannot have.