I haven't posted in detail for a long time now. Partly because I simply cannot find the time to, Partly because I cannot deal with the curveballs life has thrown me so far.
Melvin, in his fustration, suggested that I should not post at all as my posts lately don't seem to make much sense.
How do I sum up what the past 2 weeks have been like for me?
I have been and still am, unsuccessful in finding a lab-based job. Every email, letter and fax I send out have been.. unanswered.
The one interview I was granted, was only because Fongky recommended it. And that, I flunked miserably. I'm tempted to tell myself that I underperformed at the interview because I had popped flu tabs and therefore, was drowsy and not in my best state of mind. Yet it doesnt matter what excuses or reasoning I come up with. I fouled up a good opportunity in the worst way possible and that is the reality of it.
I'm faced with a very high possibility that I'll be stuck with an admin job that 'O' lvl students can do for the rest of my life, and THAT is the reality of it.
Tonight is convocation night. Not a night of anticipation. Not a night of release. It is, but a night I dread. Feels like I'm standing at the edge of the cliff, about to
Things are even worse, family wise.
Esp when you find out that your very own grandmother, dotes on you not simply because you are her eldest grandchild. But because she sees you as a meal ticket. The only graduate among all her grandchildren.
How do I explain, this feeling of betrayal? Many cannot imagine. Melvin couldn't. I made him see my family for what it was. and it's not a pretty sight. How do I explain to outsiders, that my family, does not do things out of love per se. That unless, the person has something to gain ( either immediately or in future), it's unlikely that you'd receive any help at all.
How do I explain the feeling of.. disjointedness. The need for denial. The need to tell myself it's one big nightmare, and that when I wake up, everything will be back to the way it was.
I was, the most naive of all the grandchildren. How come she doted on me, and ONLY me? It was only after I got my results, that I knew the answer.
Now, I owe my "current status of success" to her, a few of my aunts and uncles etc. And they can't wait to pick the flesh off my bones and take what is due to them. I'm the trophy of this generation, for them to display and boast about. That I owe my so-called success to them.
Suddenly, I'm beginning to understand why sometimes, Mom acted the way she did. And it scared me, simply because I can see why. As I begin to understand abit more of the one person I've always hated, the more I fear I would, someday, end up to be like her after all.
How on earth my world became so warped, I do not know.
New fears now.. staying with Mel's parents. Who knows where that path may lead?
On a slightly happier note, I had a good laugh just now when Dr Shaw was gleefully pointing out mistakes made some other organization made on some brochure. "spelling mistake! Look.. why is this bit of the para hanging out like that" She's horrible *laugh*
Oh, and there is this guy with one of the worst names possible ( I had the "pleasure" of typing a draft mail to him few days back) - Michael D. Wank
I snorted and pitied him. Bad enough your last name is wank ( he's not english I think.. it's german/dutch or something), but when your middle name starts with a D... Maaaan. what were his parents thinking.
*sigh* back to work before the doc notices me slacking off.