It's her death anniversary today.

Difficult to imagine 2 years have gone by without her.

I dont know if Glenn and his dad will go visit her at the crematorium.. I know I won't go even if they asked. I've never gone there. Not once after her death. Just like... how I've stopped visiting Grandpa's ashes.

It's not that I don't love her. or that I don't think of her. I just.. don't see the need to go there, see her photo... think to myself 'that's not Aunt Helen, doesn't look like her in the picture. That's not how I remember her'.

I don't want to go and just feel so guilty about not noticing how her health was declining. How I started limiting contact with her because she got all religious on me. How angry I was at her funeral that the stubborn lady didn't tell us about her condition. How annoyed I was with her for fucking PRAYING to get well instead of going to the hospital in time.

No.

I want to remember how much she loved me. I want to remember the advice she's given me over the years. I want to remember how she appreciated the cake Glenn and I baked for her Birthday (didn't turn out very good but she loved it anyway). I want to remember her rubbing my hands whenever I complained I was cold. I want to remember the times I told her (while growing up) that I wished she was my mother, instead of the unreasonable bitch that gave birth to me. I want to remember my favourite aunt the way she was before she got sick.

And all that, I remember and keep in my heart. Even the things I don't want to.

I have no need to go look at an urn of her remains.

I love my Aunt Helen and I'm glad she didn't have to suffer. If there is a heaven, then for sure she's there looking out for the entire family.

Drats. I told myself to try and post an update every Monday.. looks like I failed again. It's not like all of you are absolutely dying to find out what's going on in my boring life, but since this is the only way I keep in touch with all you people who just refuse to stay in sunny (and humid, and crowded, and scorching hot) Singapore, I must put in some effort, ya?

I still refuse to get Facebook. Friends who want to find me, will find me here. Else.. umm.. you'd just be someone-i-know-from-someplace-and-I-don't-talk-to-you-anyway-so-why-bother?

So all my friends read this blog. That includes you. Sadly, I can count all of you with... one hand. But hey, it's the quality, not the quantity.

I had a very *interesting* conversation with Yoko and Vanessa over lunch. We were talking about the process of giving birth.. and... breastfeeding. All gory details like blood and stitching included.

You know, I always thought that a good sneeze will push the baby out during birth. Then the doctor will just need to catch the baby flying out/sliding across the table. Got very weird looks for that thought.

So we discussed about water births... and whether it helps if the woman is standing upright.

Yoko said that a new mom is like a walking cow. Especially for the first month. You need to feed the baby every 1.5 to 2 hours... and each feeding takes roughly 45mins. So you have 45 mins to an hour in between feeds to

1) Take a nap
2) Go pee
3) Shower
4) Grab a bite

Vanessa and I just listened in horror, pretty much. I mean, Yoko's the only one with experience... she has 2 kids and she gave birth to both WITHOUT epidural (her boy, Brandon, weighed 3.6kg upon birth). I have no idea how she managed it. I mean. I scraped my knee once and I was already bawling my eyes out.

So yes, alot of new information for me to process today.. and we came to the conclusion that yes, if you ever want kids, pop them all out before 30.

I quote Vanessa "so just nice, you get married at 28, then quickly do it so you can give birth by 29.. then wheel the newborn into the other room and ask melvin to get it on so you can have a second one before 30"

Almost fell off the chair laughing...