The past few weeks have been absolutely dreadful at work. It seems a far cry from last year. Last year, I felt like work was tough, but I was doing fine. Received encouraging feedback from colleagues and bosses alike and things were going well.
Everything seems to have taken a dive this year. My mistakes get highlighted more (maybe because I make more mistakes?) and it just seems as though everything I do is being placed under a harsh magnifying glass. Some say I'm not putting in as much effort this year. That I seem to be 'slacking'.
While I think it's all fine and fair if one thinks I'm not putting in 'as much effort', it's really a bit too much to say I'm slacking. So who can blame me if all I can think about these few weeks is the fact that my bond will be up next June?
My self-confidence has already taken a beating at home. Plus the problems at work? It seems that I'm neither a good enough wife, nor a good enough teacher! It could be that the problems at home have led to problems at work. I spent a good fifteen minutes thinking about it, and came to no conclusion.
I don't know what kind of a wife he wants. I'm obviously not the kind he wants, because if he did, there wouldn't be this nonsense. I'm tired of worrying and wondering where he is, what he is doing and 'what if he still has issues telling me things?', 'What if he gets too close to one of his colleagues?', "what if... what if". I'm sick of it!
I KNOW what kind of a teacher I *should be*, but that requires me to be half a robot and perhaps I won't need to spend time eating, or sleeping, then my lessons can be well planned and I have time for marking and coming up with resources and conducting school activities and write individual feedback and make sure their files are nice and neat and deal with any discipline issue and etc etc etc.
Perhaps, it's time to give up.
Yet... before I left school today feeling utterly defeated, Mr Lim, one of the giants I have the honour of working with, told me that I laid a good foundation for my class last year. That when they took over this year, everything was laid in place and that I taught them well.
It was my first smile of the day, hearing such encouragement from someone I look up to.
Maybe I can survive.. one more day.