Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Finding that balance

Work is nuts as usual, though I've learned to take a step back and let the dice fall where they may (so to speak)

I try to finish my work before he reaches home, so that we can spend some time together before our batteries both run flat. This means I need to be better at managing my time and workload. Some times, I just let things drop at work. Yes, I know it's bad. But so long as it doesn't benefit my students, I see it as unnecessary.

I can't believe we almost at the end of Term 3.

My class has grown so much. They are more independent, and they have learned to manage THEIR workload much better. Of course, there is that handful who are still struggling. I have one girl who has not passed a single test this year *sigh* But she tries, and I try to help her.

I haven't had the chance to open up consult sessions for my form class this semester. Had the time to do so in Semester 1 after every topic, but this term is a little crazy... I should try to do so. My class is generally quite kiasee. So when I tell them I'm available for individual/small group consult in the afternoon, it's packed and I end up having to schedule appointments (OK... A and B, 1.30. C, D and E... see me at 2.00).

Melvin and I went to Genting over the National Day Weekend (doubled up as my Birthday celebrations). It was an impromptu thing, but a much needed impromptu thing. We decided on friday afternoon that we should go, booked it, then off we went on Saturday morning.

It was quite invigorating, considering we are both NOT the sort who'd do things like this spontaneously.

The trip itself was enjoyable, mostly because we have some 'us' time. Sometime that is difficult to get when we stay with his parents. Some nights, his mom enters the bedroom 3 or 4 times for some reason or other. I'm not complaining, really. I love his parents. Sure we get on each other's nerves, but that is to be expected in any family. His mom is great and so is his dad. They take very good care of us. Yet.... we need a place of our own. It's different, somehow. Just feels like we can't grow as a couple while staying with his parents...

Renovations for our new flat next year... not going to be fun on the wallet.

Darn, he's home. I gotta go.

Monday, August 04, 2014

Why settle for something that is broken?

It feels as if I wake up every morning, and my heart breaks all over again.

He has been trying to reassure me daily. He plays less computer games now, and makes it a point to spend some time every night to chat with me. He makes sure he sleeps the same time as I do, and wakes up the same time as I do. This means, he wakes up at 5.30am and reaches work by 7am. But he says it's all good cos he likes to have an early start at work anyway.

He messages me everyday at lunchtime. If we can grab phone time (meaning, I'm not in class, or in a meeting), we do.

I wonder how long he can keep this up because I cannot afford to wait 5 - 10 years only to find that he hasn't changed. That his tendency to put our marriage at risk hasn't changed. I have stopped checking his phone because I'm too tired. If he wants to hide things from me, he'll find a way. I simply don't have the energy to check every email, phonecall, app downloaded etc. It was alright for me that our marriage was less than perfect, because no one is perfect. But now that it's gone to shit, I just can't find the energy to work at it. I wonder why he doesn't just leave. It's not like he really loves me. If he does, there wouldn't be a third party, right?

He says he wants to save our marriage. I don't think there's anything much worth saving, but he is welcomed to try.

Sometimes, I wonder how long he'll take to get sick of the negativity. Our conversations at night can get VERY depressing, and on some nights, it leads to me yelling means things at him. I try not to yell mean things. But when I get reminded of the lies, the betrayal, the fact that I had no clue, and I question if his vows meant anything to him, the yelling starts. I wonder if he'd ever looked at the ring on his finger and hesitated. I wonder what kind of a scum would put ANOTHER person's marriage at risk. It's not like she was single and pretty. Maybe he has a thing for MILFs. I wouldn't know. I look at him and wonder if I really know him. And I tell myself that it is my failure too, for not seeing the signs and for not KNOWING earlier. So much for intuition. It appears that my radar is faulty.

If I'm that inadequate of a wife, why can't he just get it over and done with... It's not like he can share this problems with me the way he did with her. It's not like we have that connection he did with her. It's not like I am supportive and non-judgemental the way she is. It's not like we have much in common the way he has things in common with her. It's not like I spoil him the way she does.

Why doesn't he just leave so that I can move on too?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

When I fail at asking for separation

I tried bringing up the idea of separation over the weekend.

Maybe doing it over a glass of sangria was a bad idea. Lets just say... I brought it up, he gave many reasons why we shouldn't and I lost.

Thing is, I want out of this marriage, but I also want him to be okay. As in, I don't want to leave a mess behind, yaknow? And he is currently, a mess.

I'm just waiting for him to be a little stronger.

We talked quite abit over the weekend, mostly focussed on his inability to.. well.. get anything done. Many excuses from his end, of course. Ranging from low self esteem to paralysing fear of failure.

I just nod when he talks and try to look encouraging. I don't understand why he can't just suck it up and get things done. Fear of failure? All of us fear failing to some degree. To say he gets totally paralysed by it... then just flap around like a headless chicken... puh-lease. Absolute hogwash. What the hell is wrong with this excuse of a man? Overdomineering mother? Emotionally absent father? What?

Dr Leong told me I need to pass the baton to him and stop wearing the pants, so to speak. But gaaaahhh, how can I do that when he whines like a little boy and refuses to take responsibility?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

It feels as if we have returned to the 'honeymoon' period. Where everything seems lovely. We spend more time than normal together and we head out for dinner more etc.

Yet, I'm just waiting.

Waiting for this honeymoon period to end.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It may not be tomorrow, or next week. But he will definitely do this again.

Monday, July 07, 2014

The mad Term 3 has started

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I haven't had time to myself, much less time to sit down and think about things.

It's been a crazy first week of the term and we haven't had time to 'deal with things', so to speak.

He has been trying to fix things.

We headed out for a nice breakfast yesterday. Something we haven't been doing due to our busy schedules. Plus Sunday mornings normally means gym time for the both of us.

Anyway, we had a talk. I guess.

GAH.

It's so difficult to even talk about this now. I spend most days not even wanting to get out of bed. I'm doing the things I feel I must do. I must wake up. I must head to school/work. I must do this at work, or that. But at the edge of all the things 'I must do', there is a feeling of general 'meh'.

I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep and wake up a few years from now and hopefully everything will be OK.

Seems a little dramatic, but it really does feel as if everything has lost its colour.

And when I even have a breath of time to sit down, I want to cry. Sometimes, I do. I only do so when he isn't around.

Four years into the marriage and this shit happens.
How come I didn't know/see that he was unhappy? Yes, he was unhappy. We had a 'talk' and he was unhappy (many reasons. Work.. he can't tell me stuff.. etc)
If he was that unhappy, why are we still married?
Why didn't I see this earlier?
Why the fuck did I marry this idiot? Karma, maybe.
OMG I WANT OUT.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Reading other blogs

Spent the morning reading blogs of those who have survived an affair.

I feel better, I think. And I realise that I've been feeling very angry the past few days because it seems as though he just wants to sweep it under the rug and 'move on'. It's as though he is telling me "get over it already"

Or at least, that is the vibe I got from him.

One of the blogs I've read linked this song and I have found that I can really relate.
I'm just going to link this and head to back to bed. Had medication because of my cold and I'm super drowsy right now.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

New school term

The new school term starts next week and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm currently a huge mess and am probably not capable of doing anything remotely close to teaching.

My colleague, LC, has been posting messages on Facebook to encourage me and I'm thankful for her words of encouragement. She is someone I've looked up to since my practicum days so it means a lot to me. I am trying to be stronger.

Melvin has been calling me during his lunchtime and while it's sweet, it has made me realised how much free time that man has. He called me while leaving the office for lunch. And the time spent walking to wherever, and waiting to order his lunch... well... it takes almost half an hour. I know I know I know he's trying to fix things, but I can't help thinking "So... this is what you do every lunch. Call and talk to her for at least half an hour."

Melvin says I'm obsessive and he commented that I don't seem very keen on fixing things. He now gets annoyed when I text him to say I don't believe that he hasn't been in contact with her.

I want to slap that moron.

It's HIS fault that there is something to fix. Of course I'm not VERY keen on fixing things. Why do I have to put in all that effort when HE is the one at fault? And it's PRECISELY that I'm not obsessive enough. That's why it took me a whole of six months to find out.

Maybe I just want to push and see how much he can take. As far as I'm concerned, if he can't take my rage, we can always get a divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't treasure this marriage as much anymore. It's broken and I don't want it.