Saturday, October 18, 2014

One part anger, one part sadness, add some hope, shake and serve

I sent him cupcakes the other day.

Ordered outrageously expensive cake things and sent it to his office, with a big note that says, "FROM THE WIFE"

I'm not sure why I did that.

Partly, I know he'll appreciate the gesture. Partly, to show that if I send him something, it'll be for him AND his department AND it'll be named. Then if he gets a package from an anonymous someone, the entire dept will know it's not from me.

Maybe I did it just because I can. He enjoyed the treat, I think. Mostly because it was peanut butter on chocolate. And like our dog, he loves his peanut butter.

I told him other day that on most days, I feel conflicted. We can be having a lovely dinner, I'll have those nice, mushy, warm feelings when I look at him. Then abruptly, I'd feel like throwing a hot drink in his face and telling him maybe he should be having dinner with OW instead. OW = other woman.

It's been happening a lot. I don't think it's healthy. But I share those thoughts/feelings with him and it helps.

I'm still not sure if I actually want to stay in this marriage. But it'll do, for now.

It'll do because he is trying his best and I can see that. On most days, it's enough. On some days, it isn't. On days which his best is enough, I can see that he tries to give me more attention. That he prioritizes me above everything else. Like how he took half a day off work yesterday just to keep me company ( I ended work early yesterday...) or how he tries to be patient with me on bad days. On bad days, well.. they are just.. bad. Those are times whereby I just want to pack my bags and leave. Those are the times whereby I am just so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And it isn't even because of something he's said/done. It can be something ordinary like seeing an article on wechat scams. Then it's a  "You met HER on wechat right? Geez, I'd rather have a dead husband than an unfaithful one" then the whole day is ruined.

Sigh. I'm going crazy.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

You are my destiny? Sure or not?

I clicked on a random youtube link and this girl sang a song really well. I think it's called 'You are my destiny' ?? I think. Not entirely sure.

Anyways, I was enjoying the music, but I couldn't really get into it. Because everytime she sang "You are my destiny, you are my everything" I was thinking, "Yea right, just wait a few years when you get pregnant and find him in bed with another girl, possibly your best friend."

Then I felt this pang of regret. and a little anger.

There was a time when I thought marriage and love was forever. Now I know better. Marriage isn't forever. Heck, some guys don't even honour their vows for more than a few years.

A vow, a promise of a lifetime.

It's all shit.

I hate him for destroying my little bubble world where people are loyal. My little bubble world where once people get married, they stay married and love each other till they die. Where did my little world go... all gone to shit, that's what.

I fucking hate him.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Drowning in work

The past few weeks have been absolutely dreadful at work. It seems a far cry from last year. Last year, I felt like work was tough, but I was doing fine. Received encouraging feedback from colleagues and bosses alike and things were going well.

Everything seems to have taken a dive this year. My mistakes get highlighted more (maybe because I make more mistakes?) and it just seems as though everything I do is being placed under a harsh magnifying glass. Some say I'm not putting in as much effort this year. That I seem to be 'slacking'.

While I think it's all fine and fair if one thinks I'm not putting in 'as much effort', it's really a bit too much to say I'm slacking. So who can blame me if all I can think about these few weeks is the fact that my bond will be up next June?

My self-confidence has already taken a beating at home. Plus the problems at work? It seems that I'm neither a good enough wife, nor a good enough teacher! It could be that the problems at home have led to problems at work. I spent a good fifteen minutes thinking about it, and came to no conclusion.

I don't know what kind of a wife he wants. I'm obviously not the kind he wants, because if he did, there wouldn't be this nonsense. I'm tired of worrying and wondering where he is, what he is doing and 'what if he still has issues telling me things?', 'What if he gets too close to one of his colleagues?', "what if... what if". I'm sick of it!

I KNOW what kind of a teacher I *should be*, but that requires me to be half a robot and perhaps I won't need to spend time eating, or sleeping, then my lessons can be well planned and I have time for marking and coming up with resources and conducting school activities and write individual feedback and make sure their files are nice and neat and deal with any discipline issue and etc etc etc.

Perhaps, it's time to give up.

Yet... before I left school today feeling utterly defeated, Mr Lim, one of the giants I have the honour of working with, told me that I laid a good foundation for my class last year. That when they took over this year, everything was laid in place and that I taught them well.

It was my first smile of the day, hearing such encouragement from someone I look up to.

Maybe I can survive.. one more day.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Trust No One

It's true, isn't it? You can't trust anyone but yourself. Because it's up to you to look out for your best interest. No one else is going to do that.

I can't trust people at work. Too many backstabbers.

I can't trust my own husband. 'Nuff said about that. I don't want to whine all day about his betrayal even though it still weighs heavily on my mind.

I definitely don't trust my own family. Sometimes it feels like they have their own agenda.

I can't even trust Genie. That dog will make friends with anyone holding food.

Should I go to the counsellor to whine and complain? Maybe I should. Trust issues.

It's been a very draining week at work. Everyday I go in tired, and come back even more exhausted than before. It didn't use to be so bad because I could come home and rant to him. Now? It's all the lovey dovey stuff. God forbid I 'bring my work home'.

I could have dragged myself to work today. I had a runny nose and a mild fever, sure. But I could have dragged myself in. I have in the past.

But I just.. couldn't.
The thought of going in was even more depressing than me being sick.

So I went to the doctors, and stayed home. Played Tropico 5, and watched some telly. I'm suffering but I refuse to take the meds because I'll be sleepy and I'll waste this welcomed rest day.

Hey, at least I got to watch some telly.

I'll take my meds after dinner so that I can get a good night's sleep. Not that I need one THAT badly. I already slept from 8.30pm - 8.30am because I was drowsy from meds.

Should end on a happy note. Hmmm. On yes!! Irene is pregnant with her second child!! Yay~~ I am incredibly, from the bottom of my heart, happy for her and Thai. A second child will definitely add spice to family dynamics. haaaa. I wonder how Isabelle will be as an older sister. I guess I only get upset when people I don't know get pregnant. If it's my best friends, I get excited for them.

Weird huh?

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Finding that balance

Work is nuts as usual, though I've learned to take a step back and let the dice fall where they may (so to speak)

I try to finish my work before he reaches home, so that we can spend some time together before our batteries both run flat. This means I need to be better at managing my time and workload. Some times, I just let things drop at work. Yes, I know it's bad. But so long as it doesn't benefit my students, I see it as unnecessary.

I can't believe we almost at the end of Term 3.

My class has grown so much. They are more independent, and they have learned to manage THEIR workload much better. Of course, there is that handful who are still struggling. I have one girl who has not passed a single test this year *sigh* But she tries, and I try to help her.

I haven't had the chance to open up consult sessions for my form class this semester. Had the time to do so in Semester 1 after every topic, but this term is a little crazy... I should try to do so. My class is generally quite kiasee. So when I tell them I'm available for individual/small group consult in the afternoon, it's packed and I end up having to schedule appointments (OK... A and B, 1.30. C, D and E... see me at 2.00).

Melvin and I went to Genting over the National Day Weekend (doubled up as my Birthday celebrations). It was an impromptu thing, but a much needed impromptu thing. We decided on friday afternoon that we should go, booked it, then off we went on Saturday morning.

It was quite invigorating, considering we are both NOT the sort who'd do things like this spontaneously.

The trip itself was enjoyable, mostly because we have some 'us' time. Sometime that is difficult to get when we stay with his parents. Some nights, his mom enters the bedroom 3 or 4 times for some reason or other. I'm not complaining, really. I love his parents. Sure we get on each other's nerves, but that is to be expected in any family. His mom is great and so is his dad. They take very good care of us. Yet.... we need a place of our own. It's different, somehow. Just feels like we can't grow as a couple while staying with his parents...

Renovations for our new flat next year... not going to be fun on the wallet.

Darn, he's home. I gotta go.

Monday, August 04, 2014

Why settle for something that is broken?

It feels as if I wake up every morning, and my heart breaks all over again.

He has been trying to reassure me daily. He plays less computer games now, and makes it a point to spend some time every night to chat with me. He makes sure he sleeps the same time as I do, and wakes up the same time as I do. This means, he wakes up at 5.30am and reaches work by 7am. But he says it's all good cos he likes to have an early start at work anyway.

He messages me everyday at lunchtime. If we can grab phone time (meaning, I'm not in class, or in a meeting), we do.

I wonder how long he can keep this up because I cannot afford to wait 5 - 10 years only to find that he hasn't changed. That his tendency to put our marriage at risk hasn't changed. I have stopped checking his phone because I'm too tired. If he wants to hide things from me, he'll find a way. I simply don't have the energy to check every email, phonecall, app downloaded etc. It was alright for me that our marriage was less than perfect, because no one is perfect. But now that it's gone to shit, I just can't find the energy to work at it. I wonder why he doesn't just leave. It's not like he really loves me. If he does, there wouldn't be a third party, right?

He says he wants to save our marriage. I don't think there's anything much worth saving, but he is welcomed to try.

Sometimes, I wonder how long he'll take to get sick of the negativity. Our conversations at night can get VERY depressing, and on some nights, it leads to me yelling means things at him. I try not to yell mean things. But when I get reminded of the lies, the betrayal, the fact that I had no clue, and I question if his vows meant anything to him, the yelling starts. I wonder if he'd ever looked at the ring on his finger and hesitated. I wonder what kind of a scum would put ANOTHER person's marriage at risk. It's not like she was single and pretty. Maybe he has a thing for MILFs. I wouldn't know. I look at him and wonder if I really know him. And I tell myself that it is my failure too, for not seeing the signs and for not KNOWING earlier. So much for intuition. It appears that my radar is faulty.

If I'm that inadequate of a wife, why can't he just get it over and done with... It's not like he can share this problems with me the way he did with her. It's not like we have that connection he did with her. It's not like I am supportive and non-judgemental the way she is. It's not like we have much in common the way he has things in common with her. It's not like I spoil him the way she does.

Why doesn't he just leave so that I can move on too?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

When I fail at asking for separation

I tried bringing up the idea of separation over the weekend.

Maybe doing it over a glass of sangria was a bad idea. Lets just say... I brought it up, he gave many reasons why we shouldn't and I lost.

Thing is, I want out of this marriage, but I also want him to be okay. As in, I don't want to leave a mess behind, yaknow? And he is currently, a mess.

I'm just waiting for him to be a little stronger.

We talked quite abit over the weekend, mostly focussed on his inability to.. well.. get anything done. Many excuses from his end, of course. Ranging from low self esteem to paralysing fear of failure.

I just nod when he talks and try to look encouraging. I don't understand why he can't just suck it up and get things done. Fear of failure? All of us fear failing to some degree. To say he gets totally paralysed by it... then just flap around like a headless chicken... puh-lease. Absolute hogwash. What the hell is wrong with this excuse of a man? Overdomineering mother? Emotionally absent father? What?

Dr Leong told me I need to pass the baton to him and stop wearing the pants, so to speak. But gaaaahhh, how can I do that when he whines like a little boy and refuses to take responsibility?