Tuesday, July 29, 2014

When I fail at asking for separation

I tried bringing up the idea of separation over the weekend.

Maybe doing it over a glass of sangria was a bad idea. Lets just say... I brought it up, he gave many reasons why we shouldn't and I lost.

Thing is, I want out of this marriage, but I also want him to be okay. As in, I don't want to leave a mess behind, yaknow? And he is currently, a mess.

I'm just waiting for him to be a little stronger.

We talked quite abit over the weekend, mostly focussed on his inability to.. well.. get anything done. Many excuses from his end, of course. Ranging from low self esteem to paralysing fear of failure.

I just nod when he talks and try to look encouraging. I don't understand why he can't just suck it up and get things done. Fear of failure? All of us fear failing to some degree. To say he gets totally paralysed by it... then just flap around like a headless chicken... puh-lease. Absolute hogwash. What the hell is wrong with this excuse of a man? Overdomineering mother? Emotionally absent father? What?

Dr Leong told me I need to pass the baton to him and stop wearing the pants, so to speak. But gaaaahhh, how can I do that when he whines like a little boy and refuses to take responsibility?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

It feels as if we have returned to the 'honeymoon' period. Where everything seems lovely. We spend more time than normal together and we head out for dinner more etc.

Yet, I'm just waiting.

Waiting for this honeymoon period to end.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It may not be tomorrow, or next week. But he will definitely do this again.

Monday, July 07, 2014

The mad Term 3 has started

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I haven't had time to myself, much less time to sit down and think about things.

It's been a crazy first week of the term and we haven't had time to 'deal with things', so to speak.

He has been trying to fix things.

We headed out for a nice breakfast yesterday. Something we haven't been doing due to our busy schedules. Plus Sunday mornings normally means gym time for the both of us.

Anyway, we had a talk. I guess.

GAH.

It's so difficult to even talk about this now. I spend most days not even wanting to get out of bed. I'm doing the things I feel I must do. I must wake up. I must head to school/work. I must do this at work, or that. But at the edge of all the things 'I must do', there is a feeling of general 'meh'.

I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep and wake up a few years from now and hopefully everything will be OK.

Seems a little dramatic, but it really does feel as if everything has lost its colour.

And when I even have a breath of time to sit down, I want to cry. Sometimes, I do. I only do so when he isn't around.

Four years into the marriage and this shit happens.
How come I didn't know/see that he was unhappy? Yes, he was unhappy. We had a 'talk' and he was unhappy (many reasons. Work.. he can't tell me stuff.. etc)
If he was that unhappy, why are we still married?
Why didn't I see this earlier?
Why the fuck did I marry this idiot? Karma, maybe.
OMG I WANT OUT.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Reading other blogs

Spent the morning reading blogs of those who have survived an affair.

I feel better, I think. And I realise that I've been feeling very angry the past few days because it seems as though he just wants to sweep it under the rug and 'move on'. It's as though he is telling me "get over it already"

Or at least, that is the vibe I got from him.

One of the blogs I've read linked this song and I have found that I can really relate.
I'm just going to link this and head to back to bed. Had medication because of my cold and I'm super drowsy right now.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

New school term

The new school term starts next week and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm currently a huge mess and am probably not capable of doing anything remotely close to teaching.

My colleague, LC, has been posting messages on Facebook to encourage me and I'm thankful for her words of encouragement. She is someone I've looked up to since my practicum days so it means a lot to me. I am trying to be stronger.

Melvin has been calling me during his lunchtime and while it's sweet, it has made me realised how much free time that man has. He called me while leaving the office for lunch. And the time spent walking to wherever, and waiting to order his lunch... well... it takes almost half an hour. I know I know I know he's trying to fix things, but I can't help thinking "So... this is what you do every lunch. Call and talk to her for at least half an hour."

Melvin says I'm obsessive and he commented that I don't seem very keen on fixing things. He now gets annoyed when I text him to say I don't believe that he hasn't been in contact with her.

I want to slap that moron.

It's HIS fault that there is something to fix. Of course I'm not VERY keen on fixing things. Why do I have to put in all that effort when HE is the one at fault? And it's PRECISELY that I'm not obsessive enough. That's why it took me a whole of six months to find out.

Maybe I just want to push and see how much he can take. As far as I'm concerned, if he can't take my rage, we can always get a divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't treasure this marriage as much anymore. It's broken and I don't want it.

Monday, June 23, 2014

I've been spending the past 2 weeks thinking about what he has done.

Where did I go wrong?
Is it because I wasn't caring enough? Is it because I didn't listen to him well enough? Did I not give him enough attention?

It seems as though everything has been tainted. Even our fourth wedding anniversary celebrations seem to be a farce. Then again, neither of us realised it was our wedding anniversary until like the day itself, or the day before. We were busy with work. Or at least, I was busy with work. He was probably busy with HER.

I can't even go snack shopping with him without thinking about the snack box she sent him cos he was working late and needed food.

I can't play Paperama, an origami folding game, because I get reminded of this one picture he took. He folded a paper heart. Took a pic of him holding it and sent it to her.

It is painfully obvious that he does things for her that he no longer does for me.

He claims it's over. He says she is nothing. But is she nothing, really? I don't believe him. I don't know if I will ever believe what he tells me anymore.

He says he wants to work at saving our marriage. But this entails him checking my phone regularly. I mean, wtf... I should be the one checking his phone, right? Why is it the other way around?

Sure, he has been paying more attention to me these few days. But I don't see how this fixes things. I cannot trust him again.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Joycelynn Chen, 40 years old, 2 kids

That's her.

He takes selfies of his daily life to send to her. He calls or messages her every other day.
She sends him care packages when he works late. God knows what kind of pictures she sends him.
I have found those "I feel so guilty but I don't want to give you up despite the fact that you are married" kind of messages.

They fucking deserve each other.

I hope I never get to meet her. I cannot guarantee that I won't throw my shoe at her.

I asked him if she was pretty. he said yes. I want to stab him.

If you know any Joycelynn Chen that is 40, and has two kids - tell her she is a fucking cunt. I guess she needs to be thankful I don't have her picture. It will be published with the word 'whore' across her forehead.
Thank you.