Saturday, December 20, 2014

I was sad when I started posting this. Now I'm just pissed.

His phone kept blinking last night. It... disturbed me so I went to take a look, and to close all the apps that were causing the annoying blinking.

Quite naturally, I looked at his call history. And saw a number that he's been calling regularly every few days or so, particularly during lunch.

I had this sinking feeling, but figured there has to be a logical explanation, so I googled the number. Ah, he's been calling Citibank.

Sigh. He must have forgotten to pay his credit card bill AGAIN.

Then I spent the rest of the night feeling miserable.

No, it isn't because he forgot to pay the bill. It's just.. I hate the feeling. You must understand that I thought he would never lie to me. I thought that our love/relationship/marriage was real and based on trust. Then to find out all the lies he's told for six whole months. To find out there was someone else in his life. It's like.. how do I trust him again? I find myself trying to analyse everything he tells me. Is he telling the truth? How can I tell if he is lying to me? What if he wasn't where he said he was? Who did he talk to during lunch? Did he call anyone to chat on the way home? I have those doubts every single day... and it's tiring.

I don't understand those people who cheat. I mean, if you are THAT unhappy in your marriage, for fuck's sake, try to fix it, or get a divorce. Don't do the whole spineless, deceitful cheating thing and cheapen your marriage.

I am not unhappy. But.. neither am I happy. I would be happier if we signed the divorce papers, but he's convinced me to give things a try so that's what I'm doing. I refuse to wear the wedding ring though. Symbol of our love, my ass. If the ring wasn't pricey, I would have already tossed it/shoved it up his skinny ass.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Korea 2014 - Seoul and Jeju

Korea was rejuvenating, to say the least.

I'd give a day to day description/post except everything in my memory is a blur now. I remember bring on the tour bus thinking "I'll never forget the scenery. The trees, the lovely streams of icy-cold water running over grey pebbles." Then the day after we return, I tried to recall everything it was we did... and I realise I can't remember everything.

I remember the feeling that we did alot of exercise this holiday. Which is why I didn't put on any weight. If anything, I lost half a kilo despite all the street snacks.

Day 1 was spent travelling. We arrived in Seoul in the morning, went for a facial, had lunch, then flew to Jeju. So things really started happening Day 2.

It was something like:
Day 2 - Climbed some mountain in Jeju (see I don't even remember the name).

We took about 45 minutes for the ascend and descent. At that point, I was really thankful we have been going to the gym regularly. Else we may not have survived the climb. It was raining and terribly windy, so I brought along an umbrella. Mountain chomped it up and spat it out in less than 10 minutes, so we tossed it and just braved the rain. Not like we had any choice after the umbrella broke into two.

The teddy bear museum was fun. Saw a more spontaneous Melvin as he posed with the bears. I won't put the pictures up here though.  

Day 3 - Walked through their National Park and used 10,000 won to buy a temple roof tile. We get to write our names and wishes on it. I think it was supposed to have been written in Chinese because it was for a Buddhist temple .. but I was too cold to think. As it is, I couldn't remember how to write my name in Chinese. So I wrote in English.

Day 4 - Ski. We did like a portion of the kiddy slope. Quite a number of people had to jump out of my way. Melvin caught it on camera. It's so not funny.
"Ahhhh!! Excuse me!! MOOOOOVEEEEE!" *guy leaps out of my way*

Well at least, I managed to pose for a still shot before the disastrous screaming/going the wrong direction/cannot brake/almost ran into a group of tourists trip down the slope. 

Day 5 to 7 was a blur. I wanted to try Lotteria (Korea's fast food). But it had calories pegged to it. So I lost my appetite. Then I realised EVERYTHING had calories pegged to it. Even their bakeries.. next to the price tag was a calorie count. As a result, I didn't try the buns from Paris Baguette, or from any bakery for that matter.

We got to try on traditional clothes. It was quite fun, prancing around in a costume. 

We also got to make our own kimchi and korean pancake. Oh the amount of oil used for the korean pancake. *shudder* It was yummy though....

Went to watch the "Wedding Show". It was fun to watch. I enjoyed the songs. I also enjoyed the eye candy. Very Much. Tried not to drool too much and all.

The tour ended on Day 7. We opted to extend our stay for 3 more days though. So it was 3 days of SHOPPING. I didn't take pictures of our loot (and horribly overweight luggage). Just know that our total baggage weight for check in was 48kg and we had to be creative and did a lot of repacking at the airport itself. So it was 46kg check in, 20kg carry on. We maxed out everything, including my credit card.

Melvin and I bought 200 masks each. And we also bought sleeping packs, and a huge assortment of creams, lotions and other weird things you apply on the skin. For some reason, we also ended up with 3 bottles of shampoo.

BUT, other than shopping as if we have bottomless wallets, we also went for a DMZ tour and took a peek into North Korea.

One of the stops was an infiltration tunnel. Supposedly dug by North Korea back in the sixties so that they can invade South? They didn't allow pictures inside the tunnel itself so we could only take pics at the entrance.

The tunnel was 25 floors underground. There was no lift. We were wearing jackets at the beginning because it was 2 degrees Celsius. By the time we had to walk up, all jackets were off and we were perspiring like mad. At least it was a steep slope to get to the infiltration tunnel and not stairs. Else I may have volunteered to stay in the tunnel permanently.

We ALSO went for a haircut at Juno hair (Near Ewha Women's University). Melvin permed his hair. Our stylist, Lee Tae Kyung, was fantastic. She sighed a lot at our hair though. *laugh* Well, my hair is really damaged from the perm/colour earlier on in the year. Then Melvin's haircut was.. not very nice and she had to fix his hair. He loves his new cut, as do I.

It wasn't cheap, of course. But worth every cent. She spent quite a bit of time discussing about what needed to be done. She refused to perm/colour my hair because she said I need to let the hair rest? Anyway, she was really nice and she knew exactly what to do.

Before we left, she even gave us heat packs because it was cold. If you guys are headed that way, I highly suggest you get an appointment with Tae Kyung for your hair!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

When others want to shine

Those who know me well know that I am perfectly fine when someone else has a spotlight. In fact.. I'm perfectly happy being in the background for most.

But when I've slogged a full year for a research project, I expect to be given some credit, at least.

The first 2 lessons of the project was crafted as a team. Then I did the next two on my own. It was sent to the team for 'comments', but.. other than my RO, no one really gave comments..

I did all resources on my own. I planned the timing for all the recording. I even recorded the data for my teammates to analyse.

Then we had a presentation today and I was supposed to talk about the project with one of the team mates...

Then somehow she took over and made it seem like it was her who did the bulk of the work. "WE" met up with the professors, "WE" planned the lessons according to the rigorous structure etc. She even took over the portion I was supposed to present when all she did was crunch data. There was no mention of me being the research teacher at all. So I was rudely shoved aside, figuratively.

I mean, she wants the spotlight.. go ahead la. I'm not keen on climbing the ladder, but at least give my name a mention for all the work I've done...

Incredibly upset.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Ego boost!

I had wanted to spend some time taking stock of the year, as well as share thoughts on my worries about formulating a plan for the future... seeing that my bond is about to come to an end.

All that kind of flew out the window after I spoke to a parent this evening.

She told me her girl loves and respects me and that she hopes I will be the child's form teacher again next year. Of course she said other ego boosting things, but that's the gist of it.

I guess sometimes, it's difficult to see how one's actions/words can affect a child.

I gave out prizes for my A and A* students, naturally. $5 popular bookstore vouchers for the pupils who met target.

Then after all the clapping, I announced that I was not done giving out prizes (At this point, one of the boys was like "Score B got prize?"  ... -.- )

Then I proceeded to give "Amazing Improvement Prizes". The criteria.. either a) Improve by more than 10 marks or b) Improve by less than 10, but showed me he/she had been very hardworking this year.

This particular girl scored less than 40 in her mid year papers for Science, then she proceeded to score 60+ for her end of year exams. So I told her how proud I was of her for working hard and doing so much better.

I think she went home and waved the voucher around to show her parents.

That resulted in the rather ego boosting phone conversation today.

So much for taking stock. I'll save that for the holidays, or for a day when I'm thinking clearly.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

One part anger, one part sadness, add some hope, shake and serve

I sent him cupcakes the other day.

Ordered outrageously expensive cake things and sent it to his office, with a big note that says, "FROM THE WIFE"

I'm not sure why I did that.

Partly, I know he'll appreciate the gesture. Partly, to show that if I send him something, it'll be for him AND his department AND it'll be named. Then if he gets a package from an anonymous someone, the entire dept will know it's not from me.

Maybe I did it just because I can. He enjoyed the treat, I think. Mostly because it was peanut butter on chocolate. And like our dog, he loves his peanut butter.

I told him other day that on most days, I feel conflicted. We can be having a lovely dinner, I'll have those nice, mushy, warm feelings when I look at him. Then abruptly, I'd feel like throwing a hot drink in his face and telling him maybe he should be having dinner with OW instead. OW = other woman.

It's been happening a lot. I don't think it's healthy. But I share those thoughts/feelings with him and it helps.

I'm still not sure if I actually want to stay in this marriage. But it'll do, for now.

It'll do because he is trying his best and I can see that. On most days, it's enough. On some days, it isn't. On days which his best is enough, I can see that he tries to give me more attention. That he prioritizes me above everything else. Like how he took half a day off work yesterday just to keep me company ( I ended work early yesterday...) or how he tries to be patient with me on bad days. On bad days, well.. they are just.. bad. Those are times whereby I just want to pack my bags and leave. Those are the times whereby I am just so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And it isn't even because of something he's said/done. It can be something ordinary like seeing an article on wechat scams. Then it's a  "You met HER on wechat right? Geez, I'd rather have a dead husband than an unfaithful one" then the whole day is ruined.

Sigh. I'm going crazy.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

You are my destiny? Sure or not?

I clicked on a random youtube link and this girl sang a song really well. I think it's called 'You are my destiny' ?? I think. Not entirely sure.

Anyways, I was enjoying the music, but I couldn't really get into it. Because everytime she sang "You are my destiny, you are my everything" I was thinking, "Yea right, just wait a few years when you get pregnant and find him in bed with another girl, possibly your best friend."

Then I felt this pang of regret. and a little anger.

There was a time when I thought marriage and love was forever. Now I know better. Marriage isn't forever. Heck, some guys don't even honour their vows for more than a few years.

A vow, a promise of a lifetime.

It's all shit.

I hate him for destroying my little bubble world where people are loyal. My little bubble world where once people get married, they stay married and love each other till they die. Where did my little world go... all gone to shit, that's what.

I fucking hate him.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Drowning in work

The past few weeks have been absolutely dreadful at work. It seems a far cry from last year. Last year, I felt like work was tough, but I was doing fine. Received encouraging feedback from colleagues and bosses alike and things were going well.

Everything seems to have taken a dive this year. My mistakes get highlighted more (maybe because I make more mistakes?) and it just seems as though everything I do is being placed under a harsh magnifying glass. Some say I'm not putting in as much effort this year. That I seem to be 'slacking'.

While I think it's all fine and fair if one thinks I'm not putting in 'as much effort', it's really a bit too much to say I'm slacking. So who can blame me if all I can think about these few weeks is the fact that my bond will be up next June?

My self-confidence has already taken a beating at home. Plus the problems at work? It seems that I'm neither a good enough wife, nor a good enough teacher! It could be that the problems at home have led to problems at work. I spent a good fifteen minutes thinking about it, and came to no conclusion.

I don't know what kind of a wife he wants. I'm obviously not the kind he wants, because if he did, there wouldn't be this nonsense. I'm tired of worrying and wondering where he is, what he is doing and 'what if he still has issues telling me things?', 'What if he gets too close to one of his colleagues?', "what if... what if". I'm sick of it!

I KNOW what kind of a teacher I *should be*, but that requires me to be half a robot and perhaps I won't need to spend time eating, or sleeping, then my lessons can be well planned and I have time for marking and coming up with resources and conducting school activities and write individual feedback and make sure their files are nice and neat and deal with any discipline issue and etc etc etc.

Perhaps, it's time to give up.

Yet... before I left school today feeling utterly defeated, Mr Lim, one of the giants I have the honour of working with, told me that I laid a good foundation for my class last year. That when they took over this year, everything was laid in place and that I taught them well.

It was my first smile of the day, hearing such encouragement from someone I look up to.

Maybe I can survive.. one more day.