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C A T H E R I N E

I try to be happy.
But sometimes I'm not
I know I'm not perfect
But who cares?
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.


My Say

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Wishlist

Funky Computer Table.
Lose 2kg.
Lose 5kg.
Dinner for 2 at somewhere posh.
Want a holiday - anywhere.
Trip to Japan.
Go on a Cruise with Melvin.
Make first $1000 from share trading.


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Skin edited by
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    All the pics collected from
  • DeviantArt
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    Edited by
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    The ttc journey so far / Wednesday, April 23, 2014


    It's been years since I've written a post. I suppose I got caught up with life in general. AND I'm quite amazed that I managed to customise this blog to my liking when I was what... 18? Have totally forgotten my html codes... which explains why I can't check off my 'achievements' on the right column.

    I DID go to Japan in 2011. AND I went on a cruise with Melvin last year. Granted these are a little overdue, but it feels nice, knowing I have completed things on my old list made about 10 years ago.

    I need to update that list with a "Aim to have own family..."

    Melvin and I have been trying (on and off) for a child of our own for about... two years now. On and off because every few months, we get tired and start thinking to ourselves that we wouldn't make good parents anyway. Both of us are still quite immature and we can act real childish at times.

    *sigh*

    Anyways.

    Teratozoospermia - oh the resentment

    We decided to see a gynae mid last year, just in case, yaknow? And it turns out he has severe teratozoospermia. Meaning, less than 1% of his sperm was normal. We jokingly called them teenage mutant ninja tadpoles. Or monstersperm.

    I know his ego is a little bruised, but he knows it's not his fault. Nothing he could have done would have prevented this, I think. I secretly resented him for a few months and it took me awhile to accept that sometimes, things like this just happen. The resentment came from how he Oohs and Aahs over his little nieces and  nephews... then his relatives are all like "Oh you two should have one. He loves kids so much."
    I was tempted to shout out that it'll happen if his soldiers weren't mutants, and that it wasn't my fault.

    It took me a few months to deal with those emotions as well as talk to him about it. I asked about how he felt. He admitted he was concerned and that he felt quite.. what's that word? unmanly.

    It was a good talk. I'm glad we sorted things out and agreed that there's nothing we can do but get him to take CoQ10 daily and hope for an improvement.

    IUI - waste of time and money

    I'm not saying IUI is a waste of time and money. I'm saying IUI was a waste of time and money for us. My aunt had already told us IUI wouldn't work and advised us to head straight for IVF because of the nature of his morphology problem. I sent her a copy of his SA results and she was kind enough to take a look for us. She even called me to give advice (as well as ask for the name of my gynae so she can ask around to see if she's credible..)

    I would love to have sought IVF treatment at my aunt's fertility clinic but she's located overseas and I can't travel like this for IVF. Granted I'd get a huge discount cos she'll just charge me for meds.. and I'd probably stay at her place... but I decided against it. Best to get a reputable doc locally.

    My gynae recommended that we do 3 medicated IUI cycles then IVF if we weren't successful. I was skeptical and didn't want IUI. The clinic then informed me I needed to wait at least 3 months for IVF anyway (some protocol to follow. Tests... waiting list etc..), so may as well try IUI while waiting.

    First IUI was a failure.

    Second IUI didn't even happen because I was told my lining was too thin. My regular doctor was away and another doctor attended to me. I asked the clinic if it could have been due to the clomid. She said it couldn't have been. Yet thinning of uterine lining is a well-known side effect of clomid. I don't know if I can trust that stand-in doc. She basically told me that IUI would be a waste. And that if I wanted, they could just give me a trigger shot and we can try naturally at home. Then she went on to say that even if fertilisation took place, implantation is unlikely because the lining is too thin. AND even if implantation took place, the lining wouldn't be lush enough to suppose the embryo.

    What a great way to crush my hopes in the clinic. If you are still reading this, it's the SGH CARE clinic.

    I held the tears in until I was in the taxi ride home, then proceeded to cry the rest of the afternoon away.

    1st IVF Next Cycle

    We'll be headed to SGH to sigh the IVF consent this Friday. I'm still hoping and praying that somehow, miraculously, I'll test pregnant this Friday then we won't need to proceed with IVF.

    Today, my fertility friend app informed me that I had a triphasic chart beginning CD26. Yay, there is hope. I came home to pee on a stick. Big Fat Negative on DPO 11.

    This triphasic chart has given me (false?) hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see a BFP by Friday.
    GAH it's driving me NUTS.







    I painted my dreams at 9:28 PM

    / Monday, October 11, 2010


    Gah. I'm sick. sick sick sick.

    My nose is so stuffed that I haven't really 'smelt' anything today. I sound like a frog. My head feels like it's going to split open.

    And it's all Melvin's fault.

    Melvin is still sick too. We went to the doctor's together. So the conversation went something like this -

    Doc: Melvin, you were here last Thursday.. Hmm. Haven't recovered? I'll prescribe more meds then.

    Me: Make it two. Whatever he's got, I've got too.

    It's apparently not the 'flu'. Some upper respiratory tract infection. That apparently, when 1 person gets, the entire family normally follows suit. Fantastic.

    I'm a little drugged so complete sentences take time to form in my head. going to sleep the day away.



    I painted my dreams at 10:11 AM

    / Monday, September 27, 2010


    It's the start of week 3 of teaching (though technically, I've only been teaching for 8 working days, including today). Lost two days to a course and one day to PSLE Listening Comprehension.

    Things haven't improved one bit.

    And there will be a senior teacher observing my class tomorrow for 2 periods.

    Who knows, I may be jobless after tomorrow.

    I really suck at teaching. The students don't even pay attention to me...

    GAH. Nervous.



    I painted my dreams at 9:42 PM

    / Wednesday, September 15, 2010


    I had this particular conversation with a colleague today. She asked me if I was enjoying the whole teaching experience. It's been a tiring three days.. but I told her, quite honestly, that they were little monkeys. Albeit adorable ones..

    Her advice? Wait a year and my description of the kids will be very different.

    The principal also seems rather nice. friendly. gave alot of advice..

    In fact, the teachers, on the whole, are very supportive. Offering to help out with this and that.. answering my many stupid questions (umm.. do you call his mom if you catch the boy cheating in spelling?.. oh.. and umm..how DO you teach composition to 9 year olds..). I suppose the politicking doesn't apply unless you're working there full time.

    The volume of marking is... a..nightmare.. to say the least. I marked from 1pm (after class) to 5.30pm... went home, had dinner, then marked from 7.30pm to 10.30pm. And I was quite surprised at the concentration needed for marking. Everytime I get distracted, I'll forget where I'd stopped...

    And this is without all the admin work a full time teacher needs to do.
    *headache*

    I still have 2 months to decide.



    I painted my dreams at 6:52 PM

    / Thursday, September 02, 2010


    I received my assignment letter the other day. can't believe that my holiday is coming to an end. *sigh* it has been a wonderful 4 months of doing nothing at all. A pity we all must return to reality. My bank account is almost depleted and it's time to go make some money and get on with a miserable working life.

    Sometimes I wish I had Genie's life. Run around the house and bark, eat, sleep and play. If there's such a thing as reincarnation then she must have done something right the previous round, eh?

    I wonder what my new work place is like. I'm sure it won't be like my previous workplace at all. I did enjoy working there. I liked my colleagues. It's a tad far, but not THAT bad. Who knows, maybe I'll return if this new thing doesn't work out.



    I painted my dreams at 12:39 PM

    / Thursday, August 26, 2010


    I am annoyed.

    Failed to ballot for a flat. Again.

    Screw you HDB.

    Nuff Said.



    I painted my dreams at 1:56 PM

    / Tuesday, August 17, 2010


    It was a very odd experience.

    I dreamt of grandma the other night. I won't go into detail, but it ended up with me telling her how much I missed her and bursting out in tears.

    When I woke up, I was already crying and felt upset enough to wake Melvin up in the middle of the night. Then I couldn't stop. I just kept crying and crying, until I fell asleep again.

    I thought I'd stopped grieving.. apparently my subconscious disagrees. Or maybe because I shove her to the back of my head. bury the thoughts of her somewhere. So I don't think of her all that much, preoccupied by other things and this is a manifestation of buried grief and pain.

    Either way, I'm still feeling a lil achy (emotionally speaking). I'm not in my thirties and already 2 very important women in my life has passed - both rather abruptly. I can't describe this feeling of.. loss. There I better stop typing before I burst out in tears again. Time heals all wounds. This will just take time.



    I painted my dreams at 10:55 PM