I thought I'd have more time to blog about Andrew's growth and developments during my maternity leave. But I was so caught up in ensuring he drank/pooped/reached all his milestones that I neglected pretty much everything else. Now that I've returned to work, I feel so horrid and I can't seem to tell anyone about it, even Melvin.
The Power Struggle
While I understand that yes, his parents have raised a child. I can't help but feel as though I'm going through a power struggle with his mom. Those feelings were strong when Andrew first arrived.. and dissipated over the next 2 - 3 months while I was in total control of the boy. Now that I've gone back to work, those feelings are back with a vengeance.
It can be a simple thing really. Like this afternoon, I was commenting that his total volume consumed was getting better and partially was due to his middle-of-the-night feeds. We had actually trained him to sleep through the night without milk.. but I realised because of that, his total volume of milk consumed had dipped. So I resumed those feeds. Because he wasn't drinking enough through the day. At some point, he was only taking in 500ml a day. With a night feed, he would potentially take in another 100ml.
This is important because his weight is now in the 10th percentile. It was in the 25th.
Andrew's grandmother knows this.
Anyway, I mentioned something about him drinking very well in the middle of the night. Immediately, she was like "Oh don't do that, it's a bad habit. I mean, now he is not feeling well so it's OK. But you need to stop feeding him in the night"
So I told her he wasn't drinking enough and reminded her about his weight loss.
As which her reply was "Then I'll just feed him more during the day. Stop feeding him in the middle of the night already"
1) I'm hearing her say "don't need to feed him cos I'll do it. Just step aside."
2) Isn't it none of her business whether I feed him at night or not?
3) I'll do what I think is best for him so shut the fuck up.
With her being the primary caretaker while I'm at work, it seems she is going to resume exerting her influence whether I like it or not.
The Pacifier
With regards to breastfeeding, the journey hasn't been easy. I pump and bottle him for most because he is a messy eater. But I do like to latch him daily because it just makes me feel.. closer to the boy. He would latch and he would suck. every day.
Until I returned to work, that is.
For some reason, she gives him a pacifier EVERYDAY. Pops it in his mouth and lets him suck it to sleep. Have told her to only give as a last resort. I guess it's a last resort every day.
I believe that the introduction of the pacifier has killed whatever breastfeeding relationship I had left with my son. Because he used to nurse to sleep. The past week, he just refused to latch, prefering the pacifier.
I spent a good few minutes quietly crying in one corner this afternoon. Because he doesn't feel like my son anymore. He may as well be Diana (Melvin's mom's) baby.
He smiles at everyone but me.
When his grandma walks into the room, he smiles at her. same for grandpa. Same for Melvin. Not for me. In fact, the response is so mute, it's as though he didn't see me.
This wasn't the case. Before I went back to work, he would respond to me..
Melvin doesn't understand
I should probably change the subtitle to that. It's not that he doesn't understand. He just doesn't want to hear it anymore. At some point, he's lost his temper with a "we've been through this!"
That's why I've stopped talking to him about things like that. He isn't willing to be that listening ear anymore. That's why when he comes home and helps put Andrew to sleep, we don't speak at all for the rest of the night. I go to bed without saying goodnight.
Sometimes, I try to start a conversation. We say a few sentences to each other, he turns back to his computer. When I try again, he pauses whatever video he was watching on facebook, sighs and turns around to look at me. Sometimes he replies with a word/sentence. Sometimes he goes "what now?"
So I've stopped trying.
In fact, I don't even know what time he comes to bed anymore. It's like we are just strangers sharing the same locale. that's all.
Melvin still does sweet things for me. Sometimes he shows he cares by making sure I have a drink on my table ready for my 1am milk pump. But we really can't talk anymore. I am thankful that he makes it a point to wake up extra early to drive me to work. He needs to wake up an hour earlier just to do that. So we make small talk in the car. That's about it. He doesn't confide in me either, so it's mutual I guess.
Weekends are a struggle
Mostly because Melvin seems more than willing to leave Andrew at home with grandparents. He has been bugging me to head to the gym with him. That would mean another half a day away from Andrew and with his grandparents. Melvin does NOT understand why I do not want to do that.
Sometimes we need to run errands because things needed to be done for our new place.. And I'd want to drag Andrew out with us. Melvin gets annoyed with me for that sometimes.
Everyday I come home from work, I'll spend some time in my room in tears. I'd tell myself things will get better when we move to our own place. But I doubt that'll solve everything.
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