i'm only here posting coz lianne commented that it was about time i did. *stares at keyboard* i'm now at Ngee Ann poly library, making use of their services *grin* i'm supposed to study.. but i have not been able to get into the mood to study.. in fact i've lost it all since after the Biodiversity paper on Wednesday. Today's paper was bad.. really bad. the Jap studies one. the bit on Jap history was worth 20 marks. an essay. i wrote half a page. the politics section was worth 14. i wrote just about 5 lines. the more i think about it, the more i want to throw up. *looks miserable* don't think throwing up in the library is a good idea at all so i shall try to control myself here.. Damn.. i feel sick. i REALLY feel like throwing up. *pause* no. i'm not pregnant in case that's what you think.

the last paper is stats. coming wednesday. i'll prolly have this huge urge to kill myself after that paper. then chicken out at the last minute. always happens. i wanna kill myself, then i think of the pain then i chicken out. *mutter* don't even have guts to kill myself. so don't worry. no matter how much i say i wanna die, i won't commit suicide coz i'm too chicken.

i want to cry. but i can't.

Lianne, i know you.. very much disapprove of melvin. hell, if i gave you the go ahead you would prolly call him and give him an earful. *hugs* i know you care lianne. but it's alrite.. really.. it's my choice.. even if i regret it in future, it's still my choice. i'm pretty much wallowing in self-pity and depression right now.. explains why i sound a lil dead on the phone with everyone else.

i just want to curl into a ball, and disappear. but i'm a great big fat ball.. so it's rather hard to do so.. don't ya think? *cynical laughter* it was raining and as i looked out the window, i wanted to cry.. rain does that to me sometimes..

I don't even know what i'm feeling anymore. try dead.numb.empty. And hollow and whatever. It's gonna be a long while before i can bounce back. long long while..

ah well.. it's been a week since i last blogged.. rather surprisingly, quite alot had happened.. it's all unhappy stuff so i shall not go into detail here.. why bore you with insignificant intrinsic details?

my papers started yesterday.. chem was.. well.. it's gonna be better than the rest of my papers and it wasn't fantastic. i screwed up on some questions, but that's expected. philo was.. weird. i'm not sure if i even got half of them right. sure it was an open book exam. but even if i had my notes with me, they would not have been of any use. *cough* i didn't KNOW it was an open book until i went into the exam hall. *blush* silly me.

you know.. ppl come and go.. you meet ppl, some stay, most do not. those who stay, all is well coz you get along.. what happens if one of your most trusted..friends, does something totally unexpected, brainless, hurting and heart shattering?.. and you start to think," hey.. maybe i don't know this person well at all.. maybe this has all been a lie.." and you start to doubt, to suspect, everything that person says and does.. the friendship should be totally over. it should end right there and then. a friend who lies to you is no friend at all. but no.. i pretend there is nothing wrong.. maybe after a while we'll drift apart. it's okay.. it's not the first time.. we'll drift and our lives will go on. And even though we are no longer on the same path, we have others around to depend on. i'll be fine. really.