helpless.

I can't escape what's going to happen eventually. yet that's what i want to do. escape. and wish that I could lose the ability to feel.. dread, pain, guilt etc.. the bombardment of all those at once is more than anyone can take. I told myself after a night's cry and talking to friends, i'll feel all better today. I woke up just now with swollen eyes and told myself I would not cry, that it was no big deal. People have survived.. why not the 2 of us?.. and the minute I heard his voice on the phone, i started crying again.

After awhile, the reality that melvin may be leaving for australia sinks in. and it sinks in hard. he says maybe this july. but he isnt sure. I should be happy for him. he's going to study after all.. it's for his future. And i should be able to trust him. that he wouldn't stray. that he would go there, and come back to me after 4 years.. and not change too much. *snort* yeah RIGHT. Everyone around me is changing on me and I can't do anything about it. Chances are when he comes back during his hols, i won't be able to recognize him anymore. He'll be some stranger in the body of someone i used to know. netmeet, he says. it doesnt change a thing. it doesnt change the fact that long-distance relationships don't last. it doesn't change the fact that he'll be gone. it doesnt change the fact that i'm not confident at all.It doesnt change the fact that half the time, i'll be wondering what he's doing.. if he's busy dating someone else. If he's got some other girl in his room. No. it doesnt change a thing. I should trust him more. yes. but such is the reality of life.. you cannot expect anyone to stay for you. to remain unchanged and wait for you. I just wish I could tell the tears to stop coming. i'm too tired to cry.. but my tear ducts seem to be hyperactive. i'm running out of tissues. i need to study. i need a pillar of strength. I need.. what i cannot have.