It's her death anniversary today.

Difficult to imagine 2 years have gone by without her.

I dont know if Glenn and his dad will go visit her at the crematorium.. I know I won't go even if they asked. I've never gone there. Not once after her death. Just like... how I've stopped visiting Grandpa's ashes.

It's not that I don't love her. or that I don't think of her. I just.. don't see the need to go there, see her photo... think to myself 'that's not Aunt Helen, doesn't look like her in the picture. That's not how I remember her'.

I don't want to go and just feel so guilty about not noticing how her health was declining. How I started limiting contact with her because she got all religious on me. How angry I was at her funeral that the stubborn lady didn't tell us about her condition. How annoyed I was with her for fucking PRAYING to get well instead of going to the hospital in time.

No.

I want to remember how much she loved me. I want to remember the advice she's given me over the years. I want to remember how she appreciated the cake Glenn and I baked for her Birthday (didn't turn out very good but she loved it anyway). I want to remember her rubbing my hands whenever I complained I was cold. I want to remember the times I told her (while growing up) that I wished she was my mother, instead of the unreasonable bitch that gave birth to me. I want to remember my favourite aunt the way she was before she got sick.

And all that, I remember and keep in my heart. Even the things I don't want to.

I have no need to go look at an urn of her remains.

I love my Aunt Helen and I'm glad she didn't have to suffer. If there is a heaven, then for sure she's there looking out for the entire family.