I sent him cupcakes the other day.
Ordered outrageously expensive cake things and sent it to his office, with a big note that says, "FROM THE WIFE"
I'm not sure why I did that.
Partly, I know he'll appreciate the gesture. Partly, to show that if I send him something, it'll be for him AND his department AND it'll be named. Then if he gets a package from an anonymous someone, the entire dept will know it's not from me.
Maybe I did it just because I can. He enjoyed the treat, I think. Mostly because it was peanut butter on chocolate. And like our dog, he loves his peanut butter.
I told him other day that on most days, I feel conflicted. We can be having a lovely dinner, I'll have those nice, mushy, warm feelings when I look at him. Then abruptly, I'd feel like throwing a hot drink in his face and telling him maybe he should be having dinner with OW instead. OW = other woman.
It's been happening a lot. I don't think it's healthy. But I share those thoughts/feelings with him and it helps.
I'm still not sure if I actually want to stay in this marriage. But it'll do, for now.
It'll do because he is trying his best and I can see that. On most days, it's enough. On some days, it isn't. On days which his best is enough, I can see that he tries to give me more attention. That he prioritizes me above everything else. Like how he took half a day off work yesterday just to keep me company ( I ended work early yesterday...) or how he tries to be patient with me on bad days. On bad days, well.. they are just.. bad. Those are times whereby I just want to pack my bags and leave. Those are the times whereby I am just so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And it isn't even because of something he's said/done. It can be something ordinary like seeing an article on wechat scams. Then it's a "You met HER on wechat right? Geez, I'd rather have a dead husband than an unfaithful one" then the whole day is ruined.
Sigh. I'm going crazy.
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