Listening to: Xiu Xiu Xiu - Ocean

If any of you have been faithfully checking this place for updates, I apologize for not updating lately.
So many things have happened, yet nothing has really happened. Nothing drastic, of course. Just.. *taps head with finger* up in here. Been trying to sort out my thoughts without much success. Maybe I simply can't find time to really sit down and figure what it is that I really want.

The exam results will be coming out soon. End of May I believe. It's been one of those "What the heck am I supposed to do NOW..."
I don't really know what kinda job i want to take up. I only say I want to do lab because it's the only thing i'm familiar with, so it's safe ground, ya know. but other than that, I don't have.. a passion. it's sad when you're on the bus, on the way to work, and you ask yourself "what do I really like.. what is it that i really want to do?" and your own answer is "nothing. I do not know."
I don't want to settle for something just because there really isn't anything else that can be done.
Yet, maybe, that's what happens to all the other working adults. Perhaps they once had dreams. they had stuff they wanted to do. stuff which they once told themshelves "If I dont do this, I havent really lived" then after a few years.. they started to lose touch with their initial dreams, tied down by the realities of life. They live day by day, a ritual, a habit. They wake up, go the work, come home, do a lil bit of housework, watch a lil tv and head to bed. Everyday. Weekends are spent grocery shopping and cleaning up the house.

A part of me is screaming in fear. In protest. This wasn't how i envisioned life to be! If this is indeed what faces me in the near future - a family with 2.5 kids in a 5 room flat, double income, office jobs etc. Then this life isn't worth living. I haven't enjoyed life yet. I'm not ready to grow up. I haven't experienced all the things I want to see, to touch, to feel. I don't want to be trapped in that cycle that most ppl seem to be stuck in.
Yet we all know, that's what I'm gonna have to settle for in the end anyway.

I died in my dreams, what's that supposed to mean?

Got lost in the fire

I died in my dreams reaching out for your hand.