Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Do not even -think- for one second that I love you no longer. Do that and you'll have me finding the nearest hard object to throw at you. I love you. Live with it and save up for a nice sparkly. ( I dare not say I'd get that sparkly in the end, but you'd need to save up for one anyway.. so let's just pretend its for me. )

*yawn* Sleepy.
I'm feeling abit better. But my thoughts and feelings for the past few days still stand true. I just don't feel the need to vent anymore.

*headache* gonna go to bed.

p/s: I called Mom.

"Hi mom. i'm working at KK"
"ok"
"ok bye"

*rolls eyes*

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Someone to Watch Over Me (1926) - Gershwin

There's a saying old Says that love is blind
Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find."
So I'm going to seek
A certain lad I've had in mind.
Looking everywhere,
Haven't found him yet;
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever
Think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he
Turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.
I know I could Always be good
To one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed -
Follow my lead - Oh! How I need
Someone to watch over me.
Someone to watch over me.
Listening to: Funeral Song - The Rasmus

What happens when you realize that you can no longer relate to the ppl or persons that you used to get along so well with?

I know by this point in time, I'm starting to become one of those ppl that whine endlessly about seemingly nothing at all. Yet.. it's a very odd phase in life, I must say. I'm torn in all sorts of directions.

My friends, finding it harder and harder to relate to and talk to you. Our time is taken up by too many other trivial matters. When I talk to my friends, I could be talking to complete strangers for all I know. Just a complete stranger with a familiar face. Perhaps the fault is my own. For I'm too caught up in my fantasy world of games and books. So I can avoid talking to ppl whom I thought I knew well. I do not have any close friends. Not anymore.

My boyfriend, tells me there are stuff that I can think about, but never mention. So I've given up on talking to him. I don't even share my fears and thoughts with him anymore. Don't see the point. Not like he'd understand anyway. I used to tell him whenever I get a passing feeling or thought. None of that foolishness now. No.. no more of that foolishness.

Maybe that's how my mother turned out the way she is. Maybe she just realized that there wasnt really any point to all this social pompishness.

I need to find someone I can talk to. I can REALLY talk to. and who can understand.
I would call eugene. or tim. and get disappointed coz they'd nvr be the person i'm truely looking for. I would try and talk to Melvin and give up after 3 minutes or so. I'd even try to talk to KF, Elaine, Shimin. No. No use. There is still this disatisfaction. This need. This need, that I havent felt in years. Melvin came along and I thought.. I was ok already.. I've finally found someone whom I can really confide in and talk to. Well.. time changes everything. So now, I wonder what I'm supposed to do as the disatisfaction sets in.

My "lol" and "*grin*" and '*laughs*' online.. well.. *shrug* you dont really think i'm laughing or even vaguely smiling, do you?

When will I be happy again?

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Listening to: Xiu Xiu Xiu - Ocean

If any of you have been faithfully checking this place for updates, I apologize for not updating lately.
So many things have happened, yet nothing has really happened. Nothing drastic, of course. Just.. *taps head with finger* up in here. Been trying to sort out my thoughts without much success. Maybe I simply can't find time to really sit down and figure what it is that I really want.

The exam results will be coming out soon. End of May I believe. It's been one of those "What the heck am I supposed to do NOW..."
I don't really know what kinda job i want to take up. I only say I want to do lab because it's the only thing i'm familiar with, so it's safe ground, ya know. but other than that, I don't have.. a passion. it's sad when you're on the bus, on the way to work, and you ask yourself "what do I really like.. what is it that i really want to do?" and your own answer is "nothing. I do not know."
I don't want to settle for something just because there really isn't anything else that can be done.
Yet, maybe, that's what happens to all the other working adults. Perhaps they once had dreams. they had stuff they wanted to do. stuff which they once told themshelves "If I dont do this, I havent really lived" then after a few years.. they started to lose touch with their initial dreams, tied down by the realities of life. They live day by day, a ritual, a habit. They wake up, go the work, come home, do a lil bit of housework, watch a lil tv and head to bed. Everyday. Weekends are spent grocery shopping and cleaning up the house.

A part of me is screaming in fear. In protest. This wasn't how i envisioned life to be! If this is indeed what faces me in the near future - a family with 2.5 kids in a 5 room flat, double income, office jobs etc. Then this life isn't worth living. I haven't enjoyed life yet. I'm not ready to grow up. I haven't experienced all the things I want to see, to touch, to feel. I don't want to be trapped in that cycle that most ppl seem to be stuck in.
Yet we all know, that's what I'm gonna have to settle for in the end anyway.

I died in my dreams, what's that supposed to mean?
Got lost in the fire
I died in my dreams reaching out for your hand.