It feels as if I wake up every morning, and my heart breaks all over again.
He has been trying to reassure me daily. He plays less computer games now, and makes it a point to spend some time every night to chat with me. He makes sure he sleeps the same time as I do, and wakes up the same time as I do. This means, he wakes up at 5.30am and reaches work by 7am. But he says it's all good cos he likes to have an early start at work anyway.
He messages me everyday at lunchtime. If we can grab phone time (meaning, I'm not in class, or in a meeting), we do.
I wonder how long he can keep this up because I cannot afford to wait 5 - 10 years only to find that he hasn't changed. That his tendency to put our marriage at risk hasn't changed. I have stopped checking his phone because I'm too tired. If he wants to hide things from me, he'll find a way. I simply don't have the energy to check every email, phonecall, app downloaded etc. It was alright for me that our marriage was less than perfect, because no one is perfect. But now that it's gone to shit, I just can't find the energy to work at it. I wonder why he doesn't just leave. It's not like he really loves me. If he does, there wouldn't be a third party, right?
He says he wants to save our marriage. I don't think there's anything much worth saving, but he is welcomed to try.
Sometimes, I wonder how long he'll take to get sick of the negativity. Our conversations at night can get VERY depressing, and on some nights, it leads to me yelling means things at him. I try not to yell mean things. But when I get reminded of the lies, the betrayal, the fact that I had no clue, and I question if his vows meant anything to him, the yelling starts. I wonder if he'd ever looked at the ring on his finger and hesitated. I wonder what kind of a scum would put ANOTHER person's marriage at risk. It's not like she was single and pretty. Maybe he has a thing for MILFs. I wouldn't know. I look at him and wonder if I really know him. And I tell myself that it is my failure too, for not seeing the signs and for not KNOWING earlier. So much for intuition. It appears that my radar is faulty.
If I'm that inadequate of a wife, why can't he just get it over and done with... It's not like he can share this problems with me the way he did with her. It's not like we have that connection he did with her. It's not like I am supportive and non-judgemental the way she is. It's not like we have much in common the way he has things in common with her. It's not like I spoil him the way she does.
Why doesn't he just leave so that I can move on too?
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