Reading other blogs

Spent the morning reading blogs of those who have survived an affair.

I feel better, I think. And I realise that I've been feeling very angry the past few days because it seems as though he just wants to sweep it under the rug and 'move on'. It's as though he is telling me "get over it already"

Or at least, that is the vibe I got from him.

One of the blogs I've read linked this song and I have found that I can really relate.
I'm just going to link this and head to back to bed. Had medication because of my cold and I'm super drowsy right now.

New school term

The new school term starts next week and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm currently a huge mess and am probably not capable of doing anything remotely close to teaching.

My colleague, LC, has been posting messages on Facebook to encourage me and I'm thankful for her words of encouragement. She is someone I've looked up to since my practicum days so it means a lot to me. I am trying to be stronger.

Melvin has been calling me during his lunchtime and while it's sweet, it has made me realised how much free time that man has. He called me while leaving the office for lunch. And the time spent walking to wherever, and waiting to order his lunch... well... it takes almost half an hour. I know I know I know he's trying to fix things, but I can't help thinking "So... this is what you do every lunch. Call and talk to her for at least half an hour."

Melvin says I'm obsessive and he commented that I don't seem very keen on fixing things. He now gets annoyed when I text him to say I don't believe that he hasn't been in contact with her.

I want to slap that moron.

It's HIS fault that there is something to fix. Of course I'm not VERY keen on fixing things. Why do I have to put in all that effort when HE is the one at fault? And it's PRECISELY that I'm not obsessive enough. That's why it took me a whole of six months to find out.

Maybe I just want to push and see how much he can take. As far as I'm concerned, if he can't take my rage, we can always get a divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't treasure this marriage as much anymore. It's broken and I don't want it.

I've been spending the past 2 weeks thinking about what he has done.

Where did I go wrong?
Is it because I wasn't caring enough? Is it because I didn't listen to him well enough? Did I not give him enough attention?

It seems as though everything has been tainted. Even our fourth wedding anniversary celebrations seem to be a farce. Then again, neither of us realised it was our wedding anniversary until like the day itself, or the day before. We were busy with work. Or at least, I was busy with work. He was probably busy with HER.

I can't even go snack shopping with him without thinking about the snack box she sent him cos he was working late and needed food.

I can't play Paperama, an origami folding game, because I get reminded of this one picture he took. He folded a paper heart. Took a pic of him holding it and sent it to her.

It is painfully obvious that he does things for her that he no longer does for me.

He claims it's over. He says she is nothing. But is she nothing, really? I don't believe him. I don't know if I will ever believe what he tells me anymore.

He says he wants to work at saving our marriage. But this entails him checking my phone regularly. I mean, wtf... I should be the one checking his phone, right? Why is it the other way around?

Sure, he has been paying more attention to me these few days. But I don't see how this fixes things. I cannot trust him again.