*moan* my acct has closed *wilts* well, Vynnie has offered his credit card if I really cant survive without the game for the next month. I told him i'll let him know.

I bought 3 Aerobic-y VCDs today *giggle* not sure if i'd actually prance around in the room but.. its a start *giggle* Actually, i bought a dance aerobics disc, a tae-bo and a kickboxing one *sparkle* shopping is good therapy. I feel much better today.

Eugene promised to try help my fix my sound card as well as dump his old web-cam on me *bounce* so thats good. and i may be able to remember my french *laugh* coz vyn bought this beginners' french set. and he's gonna pass me the first disc next weekend ( or so he says) as well as copy the coursebook for me. And we could try and remember the things we learnt by erm.. constantly reminding each other. I'm not sure if it's gonna work.. i dont talk to him THAT much. Actually, i dont talk to him much at all.. what.. once a month at most?.. *raises eyebrow*

*pause* I "melvin-ed" Vynnie out today. cant stop talking abt him ;)

mmm.. phone's ringing.. blog another day.

*sigh* i'll have to go to the polyclinic again tomorrow. The doctor apparently wants to see me tomorrow regarding my pap smear results. In other words my pap smear didnt come out erm... well. and he wants a repeat in 6 mths *grumble* First it was my kidneys.. I went for so many tests i gave up and stopped going to the hospital. Now this. Remember that period where i had to run to the hospital for tests/results/consultations once every 2 weeks or something? yeah. *wrinkles nose* my kidneys are prolly dead. but i dont even care anymore. Am sick and tired of doing so many tests *sulk* If that doctor i'm seeing tomorrow recommends me to do another test, i swear i will scream in his face and tell him i would if he would bloody PAY for it AND if there was someway to transfer the pain over to him. *growl* I wish Melvin was here to accompany me there :( but oh well, he aint here. I asked Vynnie ( who was unfortunate enough to msg me right after the clinic called.. heh ) , but his reservist thingy ends only in the afternoon and i have to go in the morning.. oh well. guess i'd have to make the trip alone this time. Really weird.. havent gone to the doctors alone in a long long time *sigh*

Mmm.

bored.

*waves to lyndon* thanks for keeping me company all these nights, our conversations really help me feel way better - it really should bore you out soon.. melvin this and that. heh ;)

Mm.. my game acct closes tomorrow.. i should run in and play abit.. lol.. one last night.

Irene is back btw.. prolly be seeing her this weekend. prolly. Dont know if i'd feel up to leaving the house.

I'm confused. And i'm tired from all my tears. *cries some more* I hadnt known this was going to be so hard. we talked less than 30 mins the past 2 days. And somehow, the things he says just aren't making me feel any better. I hadnt known it would be stressful, that feeling that anytime, you'll just break.

15 mins a day isnt enough. And when the last bits of the conversation went like this :

Me: you wont tell me you have to "concentrate on your studies" right? say in about 6mths?

him: Weelll, i prolly would.. in fact i should tell you that abt now

me: alrite then. if thats what you want.

him: i came here to study didnt i? of course i have to concentrate on it. That has nothing to do with us. and that is the lamest excuse anyone can give for a break up. I'd tell you straight.

me: (thinking : right, thanks ALOT for that one.) mmm k..

him: sides, i'll prolly be really busy after awhile.

me: (thinking : whats THAT supposed to mean.. we havent been talking much) *keeps quiet*

him: well... ( at this point, i hung up)

See what i mean by he's only making things worse. I felt like msging him.. or calling him back.. telling him he doesnt have to call me ever again since he thinks he's going to be too busy even for a fucking phone call.

Then i felt like telling him it was over coz he obviously wasnt going to try contribute.

Then i told myself not to be silly.. its only been 2 days and he's yet to settle down.

Then I told myself he was the biggest idiot alive and that its not likely we'll end up together after the 4 years anyway so may as well end it now and get it over and done with.

Then at the thought of that, i started to cry and havent been able to stop since.

its always the ones being left behind that are forgotten.

Been a long and horrid day. Never ever missed anyone so much in my life *cries* i hate this. this is ALL your fault you hear? WHy did you have to go Sydney anyways? *sulk* all your fault. yours!

I just got back from the airport.

*sad smile* Its not hitting yet.. the pain and all. I'm sure it'll all sink in soon. I was starting to tear at the departure gate, of course. I told him NOT to hug me coz then.. well.. he would have a very wet shirt in 30 secs. He refused to listen of course, so i let flow.. *giggle* Then i told myself "This guy finds Xiaxue's blog amusing." its true, he told me himself. yeah. that stopped the crying almost immediately, replaced by a feeling of disgust. *smile* then again, I HAD to breath after burying my face in his shirt for so long. anyway, i stopped being a total embarassment and he went in.. then as i watched him walk away, I grabbed Jeremy and made HIS shirt wet. *laugh* poor jeremy.

Melvin called me like 30 secs after he went in... *sad smile* and he says he'll call me when he gets there ( which will prolly be what... 4 am here) i dont know if its a good thing or not.. him calling at 4am.. *sparkle* i'll try to answer if he remembers to call. even if its at 4am.. yes. See.. *fans self* the sacrifices i make for him.. *sparkle*

he'll be back in feb for a week or so. I cant wait. ;)

Melvin's leaving on tuesday night. *pause* i think i've mentioned it enough to have it drilled in your brains.. *tired smile* In fact, *sigh* i'm sick of talking about it myself. i'm sick of thinking of it even. And its pissing me off slightly that my life seems to revolve around that one single person. Sometimes, i just.. well.. can't stand myself.

FOr most though, i'm just content where i am.

I'm tired.. I dont want to sleep.. but i'm tired, plus.. work in 8 hours.

Oh well.. *looks at empty bed* *sighs*

*bounce* Today was wonderful *beams* I went over to Mel's first thing in the morning.. then after that we went shopping for the stuff he needs to bring over.. like rice cookers and stuff. Then we went to play games at Parklane... *yawn* excuse me. yup. wasnt too bad.. i got annoyed with some guys there coz well.. i was trying out this new game with Mel.. and they came in and joined the opposite team.. and i kept dying :( alright, so i'm a sore loser. But when you set the odds such that the opposite team is a lil more.. erm.. difficult to kill and stuff.. and you suddenly have 3 guys joining the opposite side and you only have 2 on yours... well. yeah. I got fed up after 2 games and quit. PLUS... those guys were sitting next to me.. well, one of them was. the others next to that guy next to me.. etc.. whatever. AM i making sense?

Anyway, we made our way to Dubs.. Mmm.. Lianne and Celia were working.. but it was cool, coz i sat in celia's section ( gave her a 5 buck tip btw ) then jenny came down straight from the airport apparently.. luggage and all. with kf, no less ;) on the whole, lots and lots of fun, plus the fact that i was driven around the whole day. Well, actually i've been driven around practically everyday for the past week now... well, jenny got a lift home at least.. save on the cab fare. *bounce*

Thanks dear, for the past few days. Been beautiful. really *hugs* you really went out of your way to.. you know *smiles* you know. *hugs* At times i find myself wishing you didnt have to go, but we both know its your future at stake, and that is really more important than anything else. *tilts head* i'll try. Actually, i promise. You're the one who can't/won't promise. *shrug* lets not go there. Been a nice week dear. for that, you have my thanks.

Have i mentioned that eugene is back? *beam* I dont care eugene, i want coffee and you better get me some. *grin*

Its almost 1am now. Oooo father's day. should i call me dad? *ponders* *wince* headache. no pondering tonight. i'm gonna collapse in bed and hopefully, i wont get nightmares tonight.