I'm sleepy.. its 7.30pm and i'm sleepy..

can't wait to see you tomorrow li..

*collapses on bed*

*looks at half eaten cookie* for the first time in my life, i feel like throwing up after having half a cookie. not sure whats wrong.. feel mm.. faint. and nauseated. *runs to bathroom* Definately sick. Or maybe its because I havent really been eating the past few days. I'm sure if I hadnt gone to the library yesterday, and was tempted by a stew on the way home, all i would have eaten was a chocolate bar. Well, at least i'm meeting irene later.. we'll have food for sure.

I'd like to.. extend my thanks to eugene. For offering to help me fix my sound card and stuff. Come over soon! I need to get it fixed.. *sneeze* excuse me. yeah *sniff* come soon.

I took a look at the dance aerobic vid just now. somehow.. it just feels different. being alone in the room, trying to prance in front of the tv and being in class.. trying to follow the instructor. *pause* I think i watched like 5 mins of it before I got annoyed by all the "you can do it!" and hyper "Lift those legs!" *mumble* i tried to follow the first step of walking left and right, felt silly in about, say.. 5 secs.. LOL.. then i sat down and watched it for abit more before rolling my eyes and thinking "god she's a bimbo" and switching it off. SOmething tells me i wasted my cash *mumble* maybe the kickboxing one will be better. I'll watch it another day.. IF however, the instructor turns out to be a guy and HE prances around yelling "lift those legs!", I swear i will fling a chair into the TV screaming bloody murder.

No one's online. Bummer. I think i'll go read or something

*moan* my acct has closed *wilts* well, Vynnie has offered his credit card if I really cant survive without the game for the next month. I told him i'll let him know.

I bought 3 Aerobic-y VCDs today *giggle* not sure if i'd actually prance around in the room but.. its a start *giggle* Actually, i bought a dance aerobics disc, a tae-bo and a kickboxing one *sparkle* shopping is good therapy. I feel much better today.

Eugene promised to try help my fix my sound card as well as dump his old web-cam on me *bounce* so thats good. and i may be able to remember my french *laugh* coz vyn bought this beginners' french set. and he's gonna pass me the first disc next weekend ( or so he says) as well as copy the coursebook for me. And we could try and remember the things we learnt by erm.. constantly reminding each other. I'm not sure if it's gonna work.. i dont talk to him THAT much. Actually, i dont talk to him much at all.. what.. once a month at most?.. *raises eyebrow*

*pause* I "melvin-ed" Vynnie out today. cant stop talking abt him ;)

mmm.. phone's ringing.. blog another day.

*sigh* i'll have to go to the polyclinic again tomorrow. The doctor apparently wants to see me tomorrow regarding my pap smear results. In other words my pap smear didnt come out erm... well. and he wants a repeat in 6 mths *grumble* First it was my kidneys.. I went for so many tests i gave up and stopped going to the hospital. Now this. Remember that period where i had to run to the hospital for tests/results/consultations once every 2 weeks or something? yeah. *wrinkles nose* my kidneys are prolly dead. but i dont even care anymore. Am sick and tired of doing so many tests *sulk* If that doctor i'm seeing tomorrow recommends me to do another test, i swear i will scream in his face and tell him i would if he would bloody PAY for it AND if there was someway to transfer the pain over to him. *growl* I wish Melvin was here to accompany me there :( but oh well, he aint here. I asked Vynnie ( who was unfortunate enough to msg me right after the clinic called.. heh ) , but his reservist thingy ends only in the afternoon and i have to go in the morning.. oh well. guess i'd have to make the trip alone this time. Really weird.. havent gone to the doctors alone in a long long time *sigh*

Mmm.

bored.

*waves to lyndon* thanks for keeping me company all these nights, our conversations really help me feel way better - it really should bore you out soon.. melvin this and that. heh ;)

Mm.. my game acct closes tomorrow.. i should run in and play abit.. lol.. one last night.

Irene is back btw.. prolly be seeing her this weekend. prolly. Dont know if i'd feel up to leaving the house.

I'm confused. And i'm tired from all my tears. *cries some more* I hadnt known this was going to be so hard. we talked less than 30 mins the past 2 days. And somehow, the things he says just aren't making me feel any better. I hadnt known it would be stressful, that feeling that anytime, you'll just break.

15 mins a day isnt enough. And when the last bits of the conversation went like this :

Me: you wont tell me you have to "concentrate on your studies" right? say in about 6mths?

him: Weelll, i prolly would.. in fact i should tell you that abt now

me: alrite then. if thats what you want.

him: i came here to study didnt i? of course i have to concentrate on it. That has nothing to do with us. and that is the lamest excuse anyone can give for a break up. I'd tell you straight.

me: (thinking : right, thanks ALOT for that one.) mmm k..

him: sides, i'll prolly be really busy after awhile.

me: (thinking : whats THAT supposed to mean.. we havent been talking much) *keeps quiet*

him: well... ( at this point, i hung up)

See what i mean by he's only making things worse. I felt like msging him.. or calling him back.. telling him he doesnt have to call me ever again since he thinks he's going to be too busy even for a fucking phone call.

Then i felt like telling him it was over coz he obviously wasnt going to try contribute.

Then i told myself not to be silly.. its only been 2 days and he's yet to settle down.

Then I told myself he was the biggest idiot alive and that its not likely we'll end up together after the 4 years anyway so may as well end it now and get it over and done with.

Then at the thought of that, i started to cry and havent been able to stop since.

its always the ones being left behind that are forgotten.

Been a long and horrid day. Never ever missed anyone so much in my life *cries* i hate this. this is ALL your fault you hear? WHy did you have to go Sydney anyways? *sulk* all your fault. yours!

I just got back from the airport.

*sad smile* Its not hitting yet.. the pain and all. I'm sure it'll all sink in soon. I was starting to tear at the departure gate, of course. I told him NOT to hug me coz then.. well.. he would have a very wet shirt in 30 secs. He refused to listen of course, so i let flow.. *giggle* Then i told myself "This guy finds Xiaxue's blog amusing." its true, he told me himself. yeah. that stopped the crying almost immediately, replaced by a feeling of disgust. *smile* then again, I HAD to breath after burying my face in his shirt for so long. anyway, i stopped being a total embarassment and he went in.. then as i watched him walk away, I grabbed Jeremy and made HIS shirt wet. *laugh* poor jeremy.

Melvin called me like 30 secs after he went in... *sad smile* and he says he'll call me when he gets there ( which will prolly be what... 4 am here) i dont know if its a good thing or not.. him calling at 4am.. *sparkle* i'll try to answer if he remembers to call. even if its at 4am.. yes. See.. *fans self* the sacrifices i make for him.. *sparkle*

he'll be back in feb for a week or so. I cant wait. ;)

Melvin's leaving on tuesday night. *pause* i think i've mentioned it enough to have it drilled in your brains.. *tired smile* In fact, *sigh* i'm sick of talking about it myself. i'm sick of thinking of it even. And its pissing me off slightly that my life seems to revolve around that one single person. Sometimes, i just.. well.. can't stand myself.

FOr most though, i'm just content where i am.

I'm tired.. I dont want to sleep.. but i'm tired, plus.. work in 8 hours.

Oh well.. *looks at empty bed* *sighs*

*bounce* Today was wonderful *beams* I went over to Mel's first thing in the morning.. then after that we went shopping for the stuff he needs to bring over.. like rice cookers and stuff. Then we went to play games at Parklane... *yawn* excuse me. yup. wasnt too bad.. i got annoyed with some guys there coz well.. i was trying out this new game with Mel.. and they came in and joined the opposite team.. and i kept dying :( alright, so i'm a sore loser. But when you set the odds such that the opposite team is a lil more.. erm.. difficult to kill and stuff.. and you suddenly have 3 guys joining the opposite side and you only have 2 on yours... well. yeah. I got fed up after 2 games and quit. PLUS... those guys were sitting next to me.. well, one of them was. the others next to that guy next to me.. etc.. whatever. AM i making sense?

Anyway, we made our way to Dubs.. Mmm.. Lianne and Celia were working.. but it was cool, coz i sat in celia's section ( gave her a 5 buck tip btw ) then jenny came down straight from the airport apparently.. luggage and all. with kf, no less ;) on the whole, lots and lots of fun, plus the fact that i was driven around the whole day. Well, actually i've been driven around practically everyday for the past week now... well, jenny got a lift home at least.. save on the cab fare. *bounce*

Thanks dear, for the past few days. Been beautiful. really *hugs* you really went out of your way to.. you know *smiles* you know. *hugs* At times i find myself wishing you didnt have to go, but we both know its your future at stake, and that is really more important than anything else. *tilts head* i'll try. Actually, i promise. You're the one who can't/won't promise. *shrug* lets not go there. Been a nice week dear. for that, you have my thanks.

Have i mentioned that eugene is back? *beam* I dont care eugene, i want coffee and you better get me some. *grin*

Its almost 1am now. Oooo father's day. should i call me dad? *ponders* *wince* headache. no pondering tonight. i'm gonna collapse in bed and hopefully, i wont get nightmares tonight.

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

I had hoped for something else.. maybe a dragon or something *giggle* its description asys thrifty tho.. no wonder i didnt get it :/

new pics up btw.. on "friends 4" and "me". nothing fantastic, but yeah they're up ;)

my phone's recovered *bounce* and its got new clothes too *grin* yay!

My phone went into a coma 2 days ago ( just to let you guys know, in case you try to call or anything)... the batt's full but it refuses to be turned switched on. *wrinkles nose* switch is stuck apparently ( after it attempted suicide by vibrating off a table). I'm waiting for Melvin to find time to bring it to some mobile phone shop for surgery (repairs) and phone medication, if needed.

Mmmm.... Melvin's leaving next wednesday evening. I'm swinging in between feeling numb, bursting out in tears and telling myself "it cant be THAT bad..".. RIght now, i'm just feeling numb. Honestly, it shouldn't be that big a deal. The boyfriend's leaving to study.. for a few years. so what? he'll be back every year or so for a few weeks. for the holidays. it shouldnt be that bad. But oh it is. Considering i'm an emotional leech, that i require constant loving attention ( at least a few hours a day), i need to see him at least once a week, i need to spend hours on the phone, i need the hugs.. the "i love you"s.. the cuddles.. plus the fact that i'm insecure as hell, extremely jealous, suspicious and not exactly very understanding. *nods* it is very bad indeed. Ooo did i mention i needed to feel special as well? All in all i'm very time consuming, as well as patience testing. bad? yes. bad. *nods frantically* can you imagine how bad it'll be when he leaves? and all of you will be at the receiving end of all my rubbish. Muahahahaha. *beam* don't worry, i love ALL of you.

*mumble* and lianne is leaving too.. *cries* *hugs jenny* only jenny is staying.. *clings onto jen and sniffs*

*sigh* i need more friends. but i'm not too good at dealing with strangers.. ya know. Dont say much around people i hardly know. *hugs pillow* At least eugene will be back in a few weeks.. and vyn.. well.. he's always busy anyway. I dont need alot of friends. i need just a few very close friends.. what's the point of having 20 people you hang with but dont know very well when you can have 5 whom you can talk to? quality over quantity baby. *mumble* its late. i'm starting to talk more rubbish than normal. time to head to bed.. night guys.

There was a primary school class reunion of sorts last night. *giggle* i got there early actually ( abt 6.30 pm), but *points to Lianne* she told me it was at 7.30pm so i walked around.. only to find that we were supposed to meet at 7.. and not 7.30 *prod*

anyway, no harm done. Dominic had erm.. congee. *laugh* poor dom. he had removed 4 wisdom teeth and 2 molars the day before. plus they re-operated at 4.30am that morning ( so i've heard - coz they left fragments in his gums which they weren't supposed to). Mmm we had dinner at Crystal Jade or Jadecrystal at suntec.. who was there.. uh.. dom, li, paul, syazhan, Chee ee, uh.. and a few others. We went to NYDC for dessert.. and uh.. 2 more joined us. was it darren and austen? i think so. nvr seen a guy look so miserable eating a brownie. *laugh* nvm.. dont think any of you would know what i'm talking about. Anyway, Li and I took a pic of paul torturing a soft toy donkey. doubt i'll put it up on my blog anytime soon.. maybe you can go look at Li's and see if its up there.

Then we jollied down to Tango's at Holland V for a drink or 2.. was it chee ee's car that picked lorraine up on the way? i think so. was marvellous fun. paul is a really funny guy. plus syazhan's wise-cracks. well.. *wrinkles nose* entertainment for the night. *grin* Was funny looking at dom's face when he drank his stella ( at least i think thats what he had).. syazhan was saying that if one drank alcohol too soon after a dental op, that person would faint. well.. dom didnt faint.. though i'm sure some of us were looking at him and wondering when he'll fall unconsious on the table. *sigh* yeah. lots to tell... but nothing impt really *slaps self* i should stop blathering now.

I erm... went to get my hair chopped today. a good 3 inches or so. its now just brushing my shoulders (well most of it is.. its layered in this really unusual way.. side bits are really short but its still kinda long behind) and sticking out in all sorts of weird directions. AND i finally went to get my eyebrows done *sighs in contentment* i DID call Lianne to check if she was free, but she was.. uh.. still asleep when i called at noon so i went by myself. ALMOST went for a wax as well.. decided against it coz erm.. well, i had 2 bucks to my name. kinda. no QUITE enough for a wax and i didnt want to call Melvin and "borrow" his card. hee.

Just a personal note to my erm.. boyfriend. ( feels funny. that title. nvr called him "boyfriend", he's always been, well.. Mel.) I'm sorry. I dont know what's up with me. The mood swings have been horrid, i know. And you've been even yelled at for breathing too loud, or something like that. We're too young to make any serious promises. You're right. *shrug* You can't give me the stability i want and need now. *wrinkles nose* TOo bad now aint it? just a matter of who decides to give up first.

Pffft. ignore most of that. I dont even know half of what i'm typing. Am a terribly confused girl here.

My speakers are screwed up. The music sounds.. erm.. hollow and echo-ey. i dont know whats wrong but its pissing me off. something tells me i'll be buying new speakers soon. *looks around* anyone willing to erm.. donate to my speaker fund?

BAH. its ten plus am EDT. the DAOC servers should be up, but they're not *growl* i want to go play my bard... btw, i called my bard Alyrianne. i think its a LOVELY name.. french name for Lyre actually :) and I got myself a new hero. well... a heroine ( considering she's well, a girl) called Lrysha. my guild in the game is more or less dead.. i doubt i'll be returning to the game after the end of this month.. (mainly coz melvin's bank acct is gonna be closed... and well, he IS the one paying the monthly gaming fees....) BAH. well, maybe i'll play EQ2 when it comes out, if melvin plays. Or play Worlds of Warcraft, if eugene decides to play that. Since neithers' confirmed yet... hell... if neither of them are playing, i'm gonna play the SIMS2 with Lianne. then we can play sims online *beam*

To Urram and Finn and Noane, if you guys are reading this, i miss you guys terribly. keep in touch ;)

Desterately in need of

a) A diet

b) Exercise

c) Motivation

*pinches layer of fat on tummy* i've got bits that jiggle whenever i move.. *cough* Is that too much info darlings? *giggle*

I wish i could dig up enough energy to do things.. just been.. ~bleh.. you knoe.. that ~bleh feeling. like you dont feel like doing anything.. talk to anyone.. I havent even been logging into DAOC much. nor have i been reading any of your blogs. I apologize.

I'm mighty bored.. havent been doing anything much except watch movies. Caught shrek2, which was fantastic, and that harry potter show, which was.. alright. Ron remains my fave char. *giggle* Wonder what will be the next show i'll catch.

I wish I could talk to you guys the way I did before. I dont think this.. feeling will be permanant. this.. feeling of isolation. There's so much to say, yet.. it doesnt seem to matter. I miss you guys. all of you. lianne and jenny and etc. Should get back to being myself soon. i hope.

Eugene's gone to cambodia for volunteer work apparently. he came to pick me up for lunch on.. erm... ( cant even remember when).. erm.. sunday i think. and he left on.. uh.. monday. don't ask me.. some ppl just like to do volunteer work in some underdeveloped village.

I wish some of you would leave me alone. Dont you understand that when i refuse to answer your calls ( which come once every few weeks), and i only answer them when I forget to take note of who's calling.. dont you understand that it means i dont wish to talk to you. not now. not ever. nor do i appreciate the "so what are you doing now?".. "where are you"... "who are you with"... look DUDE. it NONE of YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. ANd you seem to have forgotten that i told you last year to stop calling me and leave me alone damnit. not that you read this. but i just wanna yell to all.. YOU are a LOSER. i DONT want to be friends with you. i dont want to talk to you, much less be SEEN with you. AND i regret the day I first met you dude. you are the lamest. biggest. loser. I have ever met on this bloody miserable planet.

i.feel.fat

*whine* my feet hurt. they feel sandpapered and bruised... AND i seem to have lost my legs somewhere along 6th avenue... can't feel their presence at all.

went for a 'walk' with Lianne this afternoon.. we walked from her place, up to sunset way... past King albert's park and then up bukit timah... THEN to that gelato place at 6th avenue. Right now, i'm just about to keel over and die. we walked back to her place after a gelato treat.. up 6th ave. Blistered feet are not my kinda thing. I'm about 3 shades darker coz of the bloody sun.. but guess its all worth it *laugh* Li and I had a lovely time talking about various stuff.. and we burned some calories ( i would like to think)

I need a foot soak. fast.