Why settle for something that is broken?

It feels as if I wake up every morning, and my heart breaks all over again.

He has been trying to reassure me daily. He plays less computer games now, and makes it a point to spend some time every night to chat with me. He makes sure he sleeps the same time as I do, and wakes up the same time as I do. This means, he wakes up at 5.30am and reaches work by 7am. But he says it's all good cos he likes to have an early start at work anyway.

He messages me everyday at lunchtime. If we can grab phone time (meaning, I'm not in class, or in a meeting), we do.

I wonder how long he can keep this up because I cannot afford to wait 5 - 10 years only to find that he hasn't changed. That his tendency to put our marriage at risk hasn't changed. I have stopped checking his phone because I'm too tired. If he wants to hide things from me, he'll find a way. I simply don't have the energy to check every email, phonecall, app downloaded etc. It was alright for me that our marriage was less than perfect, because no one is perfect. But now that it's gone to shit, I just can't find the energy to work at it. I wonder why he doesn't just leave. It's not like he really loves me. If he does, there wouldn't be a third party, right?

He says he wants to save our marriage. I don't think there's anything much worth saving, but he is welcomed to try.

Sometimes, I wonder how long he'll take to get sick of the negativity. Our conversations at night can get VERY depressing, and on some nights, it leads to me yelling means things at him. I try not to yell mean things. But when I get reminded of the lies, the betrayal, the fact that I had no clue, and I question if his vows meant anything to him, the yelling starts. I wonder if he'd ever looked at the ring on his finger and hesitated. I wonder what kind of a scum would put ANOTHER person's marriage at risk. It's not like she was single and pretty. Maybe he has a thing for MILFs. I wouldn't know. I look at him and wonder if I really know him. And I tell myself that it is my failure too, for not seeing the signs and for not KNOWING earlier. So much for intuition. It appears that my radar is faulty.

If I'm that inadequate of a wife, why can't he just get it over and done with... It's not like he can share this problems with me the way he did with her. It's not like we have that connection he did with her. It's not like I am supportive and non-judgemental the way she is. It's not like we have much in common the way he has things in common with her. It's not like I spoil him the way she does.

Why doesn't he just leave so that I can move on too?

When I fail at asking for separation

I tried bringing up the idea of separation over the weekend.

Maybe doing it over a glass of sangria was a bad idea. Lets just say... I brought it up, he gave many reasons why we shouldn't and I lost.

Thing is, I want out of this marriage, but I also want him to be okay. As in, I don't want to leave a mess behind, yaknow? And he is currently, a mess.

I'm just waiting for him to be a little stronger.

We talked quite abit over the weekend, mostly focussed on his inability to.. well.. get anything done. Many excuses from his end, of course. Ranging from low self esteem to paralysing fear of failure.

I just nod when he talks and try to look encouraging. I don't understand why he can't just suck it up and get things done. Fear of failure? All of us fear failing to some degree. To say he gets totally paralysed by it... then just flap around like a headless chicken... puh-lease. Absolute hogwash. What the hell is wrong with this excuse of a man? Overdomineering mother? Emotionally absent father? What?

Dr Leong told me I need to pass the baton to him and stop wearing the pants, so to speak. But gaaaahhh, how can I do that when he whines like a little boy and refuses to take responsibility?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

It feels as if we have returned to the 'honeymoon' period. Where everything seems lovely. We spend more time than normal together and we head out for dinner more etc.

Yet, I'm just waiting.

Waiting for this honeymoon period to end.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It may not be tomorrow, or next week. But he will definitely do this again.

The mad Term 3 has started

I haven't posted in awhile simply because I haven't had time to myself, much less time to sit down and think about things.

It's been a crazy first week of the term and we haven't had time to 'deal with things', so to speak.

He has been trying to fix things.

We headed out for a nice breakfast yesterday. Something we haven't been doing due to our busy schedules. Plus Sunday mornings normally means gym time for the both of us.

Anyway, we had a talk. I guess.

GAH.

It's so difficult to even talk about this now. I spend most days not even wanting to get out of bed. I'm doing the things I feel I must do. I must wake up. I must head to school/work. I must do this at work, or that. But at the edge of all the things 'I must do', there is a feeling of general 'meh'.

I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep and wake up a few years from now and hopefully everything will be OK.

Seems a little dramatic, but it really does feel as if everything has lost its colour.

And when I even have a breath of time to sit down, I want to cry. Sometimes, I do. I only do so when he isn't around.

Four years into the marriage and this shit happens.
How come I didn't know/see that he was unhappy? Yes, he was unhappy. We had a 'talk' and he was unhappy (many reasons. Work.. he can't tell me stuff.. etc)
If he was that unhappy, why are we still married?
Why didn't I see this earlier?
Why the fuck did I marry this idiot? Karma, maybe.
OMG I WANT OUT.

Reading other blogs

Spent the morning reading blogs of those who have survived an affair.

I feel better, I think. And I realise that I've been feeling very angry the past few days because it seems as though he just wants to sweep it under the rug and 'move on'. It's as though he is telling me "get over it already"

Or at least, that is the vibe I got from him.

One of the blogs I've read linked this song and I have found that I can really relate.
I'm just going to link this and head to back to bed. Had medication because of my cold and I'm super drowsy right now.

New school term

The new school term starts next week and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm currently a huge mess and am probably not capable of doing anything remotely close to teaching.

My colleague, LC, has been posting messages on Facebook to encourage me and I'm thankful for her words of encouragement. She is someone I've looked up to since my practicum days so it means a lot to me. I am trying to be stronger.

Melvin has been calling me during his lunchtime and while it's sweet, it has made me realised how much free time that man has. He called me while leaving the office for lunch. And the time spent walking to wherever, and waiting to order his lunch... well... it takes almost half an hour. I know I know I know he's trying to fix things, but I can't help thinking "So... this is what you do every lunch. Call and talk to her for at least half an hour."

Melvin says I'm obsessive and he commented that I don't seem very keen on fixing things. He now gets annoyed when I text him to say I don't believe that he hasn't been in contact with her.

I want to slap that moron.

It's HIS fault that there is something to fix. Of course I'm not VERY keen on fixing things. Why do I have to put in all that effort when HE is the one at fault? And it's PRECISELY that I'm not obsessive enough. That's why it took me a whole of six months to find out.

Maybe I just want to push and see how much he can take. As far as I'm concerned, if he can't take my rage, we can always get a divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't treasure this marriage as much anymore. It's broken and I don't want it.

I've been spending the past 2 weeks thinking about what he has done.

Where did I go wrong?
Is it because I wasn't caring enough? Is it because I didn't listen to him well enough? Did I not give him enough attention?

It seems as though everything has been tainted. Even our fourth wedding anniversary celebrations seem to be a farce. Then again, neither of us realised it was our wedding anniversary until like the day itself, or the day before. We were busy with work. Or at least, I was busy with work. He was probably busy with HER.

I can't even go snack shopping with him without thinking about the snack box she sent him cos he was working late and needed food.

I can't play Paperama, an origami folding game, because I get reminded of this one picture he took. He folded a paper heart. Took a pic of him holding it and sent it to her.

It is painfully obvious that he does things for her that he no longer does for me.

He claims it's over. He says she is nothing. But is she nothing, really? I don't believe him. I don't know if I will ever believe what he tells me anymore.

He says he wants to work at saving our marriage. But this entails him checking my phone regularly. I mean, wtf... I should be the one checking his phone, right? Why is it the other way around?

Sure, he has been paying more attention to me these few days. But I don't see how this fixes things. I cannot trust him again.

Joycelynn Chen, 40 years old, 2 kids

That's her.

He takes selfies of his daily life to send to her. He calls or messages her every other day.
She sends him care packages when he works late. God knows what kind of pictures she sends him.
I have found those "I feel so guilty but I don't want to give you up despite the fact that you are married" kind of messages.

They fucking deserve each other.

I hope I never get to meet her. I cannot guarantee that I won't throw my shoe at her.

I asked him if she was pretty. he said yes. I want to stab him.

If you know any Joycelynn Chen that is 40, and has two kids - tell her she is a fucking cunt. I guess she needs to be thankful I don't have her picture. It will be published with the word 'whore' across her forehead.
Thank you.

Healing

I've finally calmed down enough to make another post.

Melvin has spent the past week trying to make things right. We went to a marriage counselor (Dr Jessica Leong) who was so good, she pinpointed the problem in half an hour. She says we just need another two sessions with her and told us not to waste anymore money on counselors.

I guess she's right. I've closed off from him the past year. I mean, we share the mundane stuff, but that's about it. And it's because I've been so drained when I come back from school. She also tells me my disappointment in him (in several areas) is showing.. that pushes him away.

She also has her work cut out for his single session with her. I think he has quite a number of issues that needs to be worked through. We haven't made that second appointment yet, but we definitely will see her either next week or the week after.

We went to the lawyers to get a post nuptial agreement done up. It's in the works... but basically states that I get the house, the kids, and other things if I were to file a writ of divorce based on unreasonable behavior.

We are mending. slowly.

Numb

Melvin left his phone on the bed while we were watching some TV series. I took a peek at his phone and was alarmed to find the words "dear, I miss talking to you"

The "dear" he was refering to wasn't me.

It was then that all hell broke loose, I guess. Bastard's been having an online affair since after Chinese New Year. He even installed a private couple chat app where there won't be notifications.

Hie first instinct, when I confronted him, was to call HER. SHE then immediately disconnected from the chat so that their messages were automatically deleted. SHE was married with two kids.

I've spent the past few days crying and wondering why. How could he have done this?

I didn't think he was capable of such.. sly.. sneaky things. All this time I thought he was the... honest type, yaknow?

He spent the past few days grovelling, naturally. I don't know. I can't trust him. If this marriage isn't enough for him anyway, I want a divorce.

Oh dear god, how do I carry on...

Getting back into shape

I stopped going to gym soon after starting the long protocol for IVF.

Sure, I could have gone. In fact, I could have gone to gym until egg retrieval. And trust me, I tried a few times.

It just didn't work out because the injection site would ACHE just after fifteen minutes of body combat. And doing bodypump while feeling icky from the jabs... well, it was just unpleasant. So I stopped going.

I went today, to try and get into the groove again.

I lasted ten minutes in the core workout class before I started feeling faint and had to head out to sit down. Then I went extremely tortoise-like slow on the treadmill (walked, really) and even then, I was exhausted after 10 - 15 minutes.

After 6 weeks of missing gym, this is what I've been reduced to.

It will definitely take awhile to get myself back into shape. Then I can be ready for the next round of IVF.

10dp3dt - It's over

I started spotting last night, and it increased to a very light flow this morning.

Gave CARE clinic a call and was told to head down immediately for my blood test. Nurse Xing Li then asked me to stay for the afternoon to wait for the results.. said it was in case they had to adjust my meds.

Two hours later, I was ushered into a room where they told me the test was negative. The nurse tried to tell me as gently as she could and even gave me a hug and all.

I was surprisingly not TOO upset. I mean, I was disappointed, but I wasn't like hysterical or anything. Suppose it's because I already knew in my heart since that negative pregnancy test on 8dp3dt.

I think Melvin was still hoping for the best this morning. Guess he didn't trust my gut feeling until he saw the numbers.

Oh well.. they've set another appointment with Dr Yu for us in July. Need to do a review, I think.

We'll def try IVF again. But I may postpone it till Dec to avoid taking too many MCs during school term. Don't want the Principal to come make remarks about how the pupils should come first (as opposed to your own life, eh?). I'm thinking of applying for 6 month no pay leave... focus on the IVF without having to worry about the numerous tests, appointments etc. Does this make sense? I know it doesn't make FINANCIAL sense, but I really hate to go seek permission to leave the school for this test, that appointment etc.

I've done more than 5 blood tests and 5 scans for this IVF round. All of which had to be done in the morning, so had to get time off, then rushed back to school. You include that 2 week hospitalisation leave and 2 day egg retrieval MC.. *shudder* My poor class. Thankfully most of this was after their exams.

Really don't want to repeat this during school term this year. December it is, then maybe a 6 month no pay leave.

9dp3dt - No courage

I didn't think I had people reading my blog.. so to the kind person who left a comment, thank you for the encouragement.

It's 9dp3dt today.

I woke up this morning and lost the courage to pee on a stick. Didn't want to see another BFN.
I think I may wait until my beta on Friday. Have demanded requested for Melvin to take leave on Friday. He was reluctant because this week is crunch week at work. I told him that if he wasn't around when the results come in, and it's bad news, I'd never forgive him.

Yes yes, melodramatic much. But come on.. which is more important, work or supporting your wife in case of potential bad news.. and since this bad news is quite probable, I would be very miffed at him for being at work.

As it is, my aunt (Read: has her own IVF clinic) had ordered strict bed rest since I told her about the embryo transfer. I didn't tell her it's impossible to have strict bed rest with a husband who can't even remember to feed the dog before going to work. Neither is it possible to have strict bed rest when I'm home alone and the husband didn't deem it necessary enough to take leave. Okkaaayy. Lots of resentment, right there.

Symptoms today: Nothing. No symptoms. Nada. I really think my boobs have deflated, though Melvin thinks otherwise. He claims he pays attention to these things >.> No cramps. Nothing. My temp is still on the high side though, at about 37.2 Degree Celsius. High temps are normally a good sign, I think. If the temps dip, I'd know my period is on the way.

My lovely in-laws are out of town. They went on a three week holiday (OH THE ENVY) starting last Friday. Vancouver, then an Alaskan cruise, then they'll spend some time in Anchorage and Sewart. Have I mentioned OH THE ENVY!!

But they so deserve it. They have worked hard their entire lives (and are still working hard) and save for their lovely holidays.

It's quiet in the house when they are not around. My poor dog, Genie, misses my MIL. Last night, Genie slept outside MIL's room and refused to come into our room.

Anyway, their absence also means an absence of meals... We have ordered tingkat for dinner. Trying out E-one catering for 2 weeks. It's convenient, I guess, since the relatively balanced meal is delivered to your doorstep.

I hope the food is good.

8dp3dt - BFN

The title says it all.

If I was pregnant, there should be a faint positive by now.

Was it the weird protocol the clinic had me on? Weird because I was on the long protocol (2 week suppress, then 2 weeks of lupron + gonal f), BUT they started me on CD2 instead of CD21.

Did I lose the embryos on day 2? Because on that day, I had ONE pink spot on my liner.

Was it the lack of bedrest? Bedrest is impossible when there isn't anyone in the house to take care of me. Other than cleaning up after the dog, I've had to make my own meals etc.

There has to be a reason, there has to be.

6dp3dt

All my 'symptoms' have disappeared.

I had some painful cramps last night. Then this morning, nothing. No cramps, no sore boobs, no bloatedness.

I couldn't help myself and pee-ed on a stick again.

Nothing.

A stark white nothing.

Of course, intellectually I know there is supposed to be nothing because it is waaaay to early for HCG to be detected. Yet, a part of me was hoping that by this time, my two embryos would have attached themselves like alien parasites and HCG is running rampant through my body. So yea, I'm not entirely unaffected by the BFN.

Ever since the symptoms started going away, there's like a tickle of uncertainty at the back of my mind that this isn't going to work. OK, more than a tickle. More like a 'OMG THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK. MY EMBRYOS ARE DEEEEAAAAADDDDD"

I think the next few days is going to be rough. Can predict lots of tears, snots and calls to Melvin with me crying about dead embryos.

Sigh.

I'm losing my mind.

4dp3dt

I didn't blog yesterday because there was nothing to blog about...
Then again, there doesn't seem to be anything to blog about today either.

I have no symptoms at all, other than huge and swollen boobs. I think they grew by a cup size...

The trigger is still in my system and I'm waiting for it to go away. I've been peeing on sticks since 2dp3dt because I want to see the progression of trigger leaving my system. It hasn't disappeared yet, which is really frustrating because when I did IUI the last time, trigger went away by 7dpo. It is now considered 7dpo, yes?

Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow. It should go away by then so I can anticipate a true BFP by Sunday. Fingers crossed!

2dp3dt

It is now officially 2 days past the 3 day transfer. Bed rest is driving me crazy. As I type this on my phone, I'm seated on the sofa, trying to watch TV.

I don't feel tired. In fact, I'm feeling quite energetic today! My bloat has disappeared, though my boobs still hurt. Progesterone has that effect on me. Sore boobs.

I was a bit worried because I was spotting last night. It was just a bit of light brown. So I called the clinic and was told that I should just rest more. I'm still worried though, because I have abit of brown cm.

I felt the need to get up and do something. So I went to make red date and longan tea. Except I forgot about it while watching TV and had to jump from the couch and run to the kitchen to turn off the stove. Umm. Then I remembered I'm supposed to stay as inert as possible. Bah.

Thing is, I don't feel pregnant. I know I should be very careful, take it easy and all. But I'm bored..
In fact, I'm half convinced I have already lost the embryos because of last night's spotting. It's just that so many things have happened.. Things that I don't blog about... Have me convinced that this wouldn't work. From the weird protocol the clinic has me on, to all the reports on how a vast number of embryos stop developing at day 4 (1dp3dt) I'm still hoping it'll all work out. But I can't bring myself to really believe that this will work. Maybe I'm just afraid of the disappointment. Like I said before, I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work.

1dp3dt

Finally did the embryo transfer yesterday morning. 

Previously, they mentioned that we had 6 fertilised eggs. Seems that one caught up and we had 7 on Sunday morning. :)

But only 3 were good quality ones.

We had one 8-cell embryo, one 7-cell and one 6-cell. All were grade 2. The rest had quite abit of fragmentation so the embryologist suggested that we discard them (Noooo, my embies!)

We transferred 2 embryos and decided to freeze the 6-cell one. I really wanted all three inside me. But our Ministry of Health had set a maximum of 2 embryos for women below the age of 37. They didn't want multiples because it could cause health complications for mother and babies.

I find the transfer more taxing than the retrieval because the embryo transfer required me to have a full bladder. Urgh. Any idea how it feels to need to pee really bad, then have something stuck inside you AND a u/s thing pressing on your bladder? Quite unpleasant. I kept telling Dr Yu and Nurse Xing Li that I was going to pee right there, on the table.

They showed us our embies on the screen, then proceeded to transfer. The entire time I was thinking.. HURRY I'M GOING TO PEE. 

Then transfer was done. Dr Yu was very careful, I think, despite the writhing patient on the table. She showed a tremendous amount of patience... If I were a doctor, I'd be irritated with me as a patient.

I think then they tried to show me the ultrasound and point out where the airbubble (and the embryos) were. Mmm at that point, I stopped caring. Couldn't even focus on the screen.

The minute Dr Yu took those instruments out from me and said the transfer were complete, I jumped off the table. yes, jumped. and ran for the toilet. Caused quite abit of alarm, I think, the frantic rush off the table. Melvin said he hope I didn't drop the embryos even before we left the procedure room. I don't think so though. I mean, regular pregnant ladies still walk around (and they do still need to pee), and they still remained pregnant.

I spent the rest of the day feeling bloated and crampy. I hope the cramping doesn't prevent implantation. Read somewhere that it affects implantation, but can't find that link now.

Keeping my fingers crossed. It's only 1 day past the 3 day transfer (1dp3dt) and I'm starting to obsess.

Egg transfer is set!

Egg transfer is going to be on Sunday morning! I don't know whether to be happy about that or not, since I've read the 5 day transfers have a higher live birth rate. It makes sense, really. A blastocyst that has survived 5 days in a petri dish would be more likely to develop into a healthy baby compared to a 3 day blastomere. That and the fact that more than half of the blastomeres stop developing at day 4.

I suppose the embryologist needed to make the tough call. I have 7 mature eggs out of the nine retrieved and only 6 were fertilised. My guess is if they wait to day 5 to transfer, there may be nothing left to transfer... so they're recommending a 3 day transfer.

I'm still kinda hoping that the embryologist will call early Sunday morning to say all my 6 embryos have made it to day 3 so they'll try a day 5 transfer instead. Oh well, one can hope.

Embryos.

It feels odd. I have embryos. I have 6 potential baby creature things.

I hope they make it :(

On another note, I'm still bleeding. It stopped a little in the morning. Then I got bored and started walking around the house, doing work from home, boiling red date longan tea, playing with the dog... then the bleeding started again. After that, I decided I should stay in bed for another few hours.
Still bleeding now, and there's quite abit of swelling at my lower abdominal area. I also have a slight fever. Hope it's not an infection.

How am I supposed to do the transfer on Sunday if I'm feeling all icky now...

Egg retrieval

Was very anxious this morning, prior to the egg retrieval. Plus I was worried that they'll only retrieve 4 to 5 eggs.

They got me to change into this hospital gown and lie down while they stabbed me with a needle on my hand. That was painful :( And I complained about that, I think.

Then Melvin came in with his face covered in a mask and I felt better.

Before he came in, I was just so... scared. Kept thinking that I wanted him there to hold me hand. It was all good after he came in.

They did the usual of asking for my name etc, to make sure they have the right patient, then Dr Yu pumped in like 3 needles. I suppose it's the sedative because I remember her saying that we just need to wait for the meds to reach the brain.

Then it was lights out.

Don't remember anything until I opened my eyes, and everyone was gone. I slept there for another hour or so before the nurse supported me up and brought me to the lounge to rest. Melvin was instructed not to leave me alone at any point because I was still groggy.

The nurses kept saying I looked zombie like. haaa.

They gave me a nice hot cup of milo and my favourite cream crackers while we waited. Apparently they wanted to see if there's any pain.

Was told they harvested 9 eggs from me (yay!) and I'm to wait for a call from the embryologist tomorrow morning to see how many fertilised and when my transfer will be.

Mmm. Was also told to drink alot of 100 plus because I was dehydrated. I think she said 2 litres a day.

Yay, retrieval is finally over. Now I'm going to crawl into bed. Sleepy.

Triggering Tonight

I did an ultrasound this morning and it has been determined that I should trigger tonight, with my egg retrieval on Thursday.

Mrs Lim (the science HOD) commented something about being like a chicken and producing eggs. It made me laugh.

I currently have one follicle in the lead (27mm) but that one is going to be sacrificed for the 4 or 5 at 18mm. Melvin has named that the "overenthusiastic follicle". Alas, that overachiever is going be lost because it'll be overdone by the time we retrieve on Thursday.

So at 9pm tonight, I'll be doing my trigger shot (10 000 units of Pregnyl). That's right 10 000. Sounds like alot, huh? I've also heard that it'll hurt ALOT compared to my Lupron jabs.

Not looking forward to this. Because my lupron jabs hurt enough as it is.

Looks like I'll have to start icing the area at 8.55pm. 

The nurse kept reminding me to inject at 9pm sharp, because ovulation happens around 35 -36 hours after trigger. So we don't want to trigger too early (and all my previous eggs get released before the retrieval) or trigger too late (and get immature eggs)

Here's some info on Pregnyl

Pregnyl® (chorionic gonadotropin for injection USP) is a highly purified pyrogen-free preparation obtained from the urine of pregnant females.( This essentially means you're injecting something that comes from preggo pee)

Adverse Reactions

Headache, irritability, restlessness, depression, fatigue, edema, precocious puberty, gynecomastia, pain at the site of injection ( no kidding?)

I can currently feel my ovaries because things are quite swollen in there. And my back aches.

Here's keeping my finger crossed for more eggs with good quality.

So that is anything goes wrong, we know it's the sperm that caused it.

Follicles are not growing fast enough

I did a scan after 9 days on 300 units of Gonal F and it is apparent that my follicles are not growing fast enough.

I have one follicle at 14, two at about 12 then another three or four at 10.

And we need them to be at 18.

Dr Yu wants me to stim for three more days to see if the smaller ones can catch up.

I don't know why my body isn't responding to the Gonal F. Was it the long 2 week supression stage?

I'm worried because there have been studies that show a lower success rate when the woman stims for more than 12 days. This is because egg quality peaks at about 9 - 12 days then it drops from there. So if one stims for more than 12 days, egg quality will definitely be affected.

Yet the alternative was to just trigger and get that 1 - 3 eggs. Which isn't quite enough for IVF because with three eggs, none may turn out viable.

Some ladies get 20 - 30 eggs! Why is my follicle count so low? It's not like I'm 40 and my egg reserve is low. Could it be due to the consecutive use of clomid and my ovaries need a rest? I really don't know.

Just quite bummed over how this is progressing.

Headache and self pity

The headache is getting to me. My head hurts like it's being clamped hard after every jab.  It hurts for a few hours in the morning after my lupron jab, and a few hours at night after my gonal f jab. As a result, I've been really cranky in school and don't really feel like talking to anyone.

I also realised that my right lower abdomen heals faster than my left lower abdomen. Because I'm running out of places to jab on the left side. It looks all... dotted. Makes me wish I'd asked Melvin to inject in neat rows... At least it doesn't look so messy. I think the injection marks all over my tummy contribute to the headache.

OK. I'm just whining now. I realise I've done nothing but complain on this blog since the IVF process started.

I have been reading publications on pubmed on how sperm morphology affects pregnancy rates for IVF and was quite worried to find out that sperm morphology doesn't affect fertilization rate with ICSI BUT... there is a higher miscarriage rate for embryos fertilized by abnormal sperm.

*sigh* I suppose it does kinda make sense. We are essentially forcing defective sperm to fuse with an egg cell in hope that a normal child will be produced. Naturally, quite a number of such fertilized eggs won't be viable. Plus the fact that the male DNA doesn't kick in until after day 4, it probably makes it even harder for the embryologist to pick out a good blastocyst for implantation. So if the male side is 'weak', I suppose the miscarriage will happen.

I really really hope we can get this over and done with the first time around because I haven't really given thought of what is next. Between finances and how difficult it is to get time off work, there may not be a second IVF for me.

Nightmares

I had a nightmare last night.

Melvin didn't get prepare the needle correctly. First, he forgot to disinfect the pen. Then it was something about bubbles, then it turned out he has the wrong meds. Then I took over and somehow my gonal f had turned a gooey pink.

What a dream.

Beginning to think this twice daily injection thing is starting to stress me out.

I can't wait for my ultrasound scan on Wednesday!

8 Follicles

I went for an ultrasound today to see how many follicles I have and apparently I only have 8. Which is not a good number I think. I heard Dr Yu exclaim to the nurses that I had 14 in Jan, and that she doesn't know what's going on there.

I think the number wasn't supposed to drop to 8.

I think this means I can only have 8 eggs for retrieval, max. This doesn't sound good at all... I mean, I've been reading about people retrieving 20 eggs or more and end up only having 5 grown into embryos. Doesn't this mean with my poor 8 eggs, I may have none grown into embryos? *sigh*

They've also put me on gonal F jabs (instead of puregon, I wonder why...)
I can't seem to find any info on the difference between puregon and gonal f, but both are NOT fun. Side effects include headaches (as if the Lupron induced headaches aren't enough), breast tenderness, nausea and other 'fun' things.

So for the next week or so leading up to egg retrieval, I need to have one 10 unit jab of Lupron in the mornings and one 300 unit jab of Gonal F before bed. I'm starting to feel like a human pin cushion.

Starting Puregon on Friday

Let me start off by saying I'm having major cramps PLUS my back aches. Not sure if it's due to Lupron.

Bloodwork results came back this afternoon and my estradiol levels are below 40 so I'm set to go! But the clinic is full in terms of appointments so they need to have me do an extra three days of 10 units of Lupron. I'll only head in on Thursday afternoon for my ultrasound and instructions for Puregon.

I'm not entirely happy with the delay but I can understand that the clinic is packed.

What I'm really annoyed with is the nurse that called me. Nurse Agnes? Edna? I didn't really catch her name. But she was rude.

Her first call to me was to inform me to head down on Friday to proceed to the next step. At that time, I was doing mass compo marking with other teachers seated there so I just kind "Mmm ok" then said goodbye.

Then she called again, to inform me that I need to continue with Lupron but only 10 units instead of the 20 units I've been injecting the 10 days. At that point, I asked if there was an earlier appointment, and she said no. Was a little disappointed.

Then I realised that I forgot to ask her what my estradiol levels were. So I called back to ask what the numbers were, exactly. At that point, she sounded quite irritated and said I only needed to know I was suppressed enough. Yes, But i'm asking so can't she give me the numbers? She then grumbled something about how she can't tell me over the phone and she'll give me a copy of my test results on Friday if I REALLY want them.

Good gosh.

She also asked where my prescription was. I informed her that I was only prescribed Lupron and not Puregon. Then she complained about having to get the doctor to write one for me on Friday.

After we hung up... well.. the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want the ultrasound on Friday. Surely she can squeeze me in somewhere...

So I called back (Yes I know I'm being annoying at this point) and asked her if she could just try to squeeze me in either on Tue, Wed, or Thurs. She had that super annoyed tone and said they don't do on Tuesdays because egg retrieval would be on weekends (ok, that was reasonable). Wednesday was full. But she could squeeze me in on Thursday afternoon. Only problem was that I had to wait for quite awhile for the results because the doctor would be in the operation room. I was fine with that, really. I only can't stand her annoyed tone. Then she said "You don't call back anymore hor!"

I nearly blew my top then. Isn't it her job to answer questions that patients have? Why CAN'T I call back anymore? I took a breath and apologised for wasting her time. Only because I know I was bugging her.

I'm very annoyed with that nurse and was contemplating lodging a formal complaint. But Sigh. We are all human. And who knows... maybe she was having a bad day. I'll just let it go this time around. But if she deals with me rudely again.. well.. I won't be so nice.

It's been a busy week with the exams coming up. Tons of revision papers plus the usual mad rush of syllabus.
Melvin's been waking up early every morning to give me my Lupron jab. Some days it hurts, some days not at all. I've been a wimp and we use ice to numb the injection site prior to the jab.

We woke up late today, it being a weekend and all. And I got impatient while waiting for him to give me my jab... so I did it myself. Ha!

I'm proud of myself for succeeding, of course. And I did it more in irritation than anything. It was a 'Haiyo, take so long... may as well DIY... *jab*' It didn't quite occur to me that jabbing myself may be more painful than normal (The needle didn't go in very fast...) And I only slightly regretted it while inserting the needle midway. But hey, I got it done. No fuss.

I'm hoping that my blood test on Monday will show that my estrogen levels are sufficiently suppressed and we can move on the stimulation stage. Though from all the blogs and forums, it seems quite unlikely  that estrogen levels will be low enough after 10 days of Lupron. Read some lady even did it for 18 days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Don't want to go through another blood test because it means I'll need to take time off school AGAIN. And with the children's exams coming up... yaknow. I worry.

I was a lil miffed at my Principal. But I suppose she needs to do what a school leader needs to go. I informed her of my IVF thing because I had to. Because I need to take time off some mornings and there is that projected 2 week hospitalisation leave so she'll need to prep to get a relief teacher in.

She asked if I can postpone the IVF to June.

Mmm, I suppose the natural reaction would be 'wtf?' but I know where she was coming from. It's a hassle getting a relief teacher in. Plus we are all thinking of how to best do this without affecting my class.

I had to explain to her that I was doing mine at SGH and there was a waiting list.

She then made a remark that if I went to a private hospital, I can do it anytime.

I reminded her that the $6k government grant for IVF doesn't cover private hospitals.

Afterwhich she made some remark about needing a million bucks to raise a child anyways, so what is $6k?

I just smiled at her at that point and agreed. But was getting quite annoyed. Yes I know it's expensive to raise a child. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't make use of the grant, right? And why should I go to the private hospital just so the school doesn't need to get a relief teacher? My projected 2 week off is AFTER the exams anyway. Not like I'll be away just before or during their papers.

I mean, come on la. If I didn't NEED IVF to get pregnant, why on earth would I spend the time, effort and money to do so? And why should I need to consult the school calendar when planning for pregnancy? You have GOT to be kidding me.

So yes, I'm irritated with my school principal.

Useless maids

I am infuriated.

Genie has been scratching like mad the past few months. I told my MIL that this didn't happen until we got this new maid coming in to clean the house weekly. So I told MIL to let the maid know to just clean the floor with water.

OBVIOUSLY my instructions were not followed.

Since Genie was coming home freshly groomed last weekend, I spent Saturday mopping the floor with hot water. Then Melvin showered her and she stopped scratching!

That maid came again today to clean the house.

When I came home, the dog was scratching madly. In the time I walked from the door to my bedroom, she stopped to scratch at least three to four times.

I took my pail of hot water. Cleaned the floor once more.

To my horror, the water turned yellow.

What the fuck has she been cleaning the floor with?

I wiped the dog down with a wet towel after cleaning the floor.

Then lo and behold, the scratching stopped.

If my MIL doesn't tell her, I will. And I will not be pleasant.

Either that or my MIL didn't tell the maid the first time... then guess who I'll be unpleasant to?

I hate needles

I was apprehensive about the daily injections but thought I could do it with no issue. I spent the night visualising how I'll self inject my medication. And thought 'Urgh. should be no biggie'.

Then this morning came, and I sat there with needle in hand.. for a long time.
I couldn't do it.

I didn't even want to put the tip of the needle near my skin, much less puncture though and inject.

So I did what I did best. Sit there, Panic and Cry.

Melvin said he'll do the jab for me but I didn't trust him with the needle. I was starting to get a little hysterical, really. I know I needed to get the jab done, but I didn't want to do it and I didn't trust him to get it done well.

In the end, he made me close my eyes while he tried to inject the Lucrin into my lower abdomen.

And...

It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated it to be.

Of course I had my eyes shut the entire time and I was biting his hair.. but that's not the point.

At least now I know I can trust him to get it done every morning and I'm thankful for it.

Though now he says I can't piss him off cos he is in charge of the needles. zzz. Husbands.

Starting Lucrin Injections tomorrow

I hope I'll be able to inject myself with no problem. The thought of it makes me want to cry. Daily injections... oh dear. I hope I survive it. The sheer number of needles sitting in front of me right now is scary.

The ttc journey so far

It's been years since I've written a post. I suppose I got caught up with life in general. AND I'm quite amazed that I managed to customise this blog to my liking when I was what... 18? Have totally forgotten my html codes... which explains why I can't check off my 'achievements' on the right column.

I DID go to Japan in 2011. AND I went on a cruise with Melvin last year. Granted these are a little overdue, but it feels nice, knowing I have completed things on my old list made about 10 years ago.

I need to update that list with a "Aim to have own family..."

Melvin and I have been trying (on and off) for a child of our own for about... two years now. On and off because every few months, we get tired and start thinking to ourselves that we wouldn't make good parents anyway. Both of us are still quite immature and we can act real childish at times.

*sigh*

Anyways.

Teratozoospermia - oh the resentment

We decided to see a gynae mid last year, just in case, yaknow? And it turns out he has severe teratozoospermia. Meaning, less than 1% of his sperm was normal. We jokingly called them teenage mutant ninja tadpoles. Or monstersperm.

I know his ego is a little bruised, but he knows it's not his fault. Nothing he could have done would have prevented this, I think. I secretly resented him for a few months and it took me awhile to accept that sometimes, things like this just happen. The resentment came from how he Oohs and Aahs over his little nieces and  nephews... then his relatives are all like "Oh you two should have one. He loves kids so much."
I was tempted to shout out that it'll happen if his soldiers weren't mutants, and that it wasn't my fault.

It took me a few months to deal with those emotions as well as talk to him about it. I asked about how he felt. He admitted he was concerned and that he felt quite.. what's that word? unmanly.

It was a good talk. I'm glad we sorted things out and agreed that there's nothing we can do but get him to take CoQ10 daily and hope for an improvement.

IUI - waste of time and money

I'm not saying IUI is a waste of time and money. I'm saying IUI was a waste of time and money for us. My aunt had already told us IUI wouldn't work and advised us to head straight for IVF because of the nature of his morphology problem. I sent her a copy of his SA results and she was kind enough to take a look for us. She even called me to give advice (as well as ask for the name of my gynae so she can ask around to see if she's credible..)

I would love to have sought IVF treatment at my aunt's fertility clinic but she's located overseas and I can't travel like this for IVF. Granted I'd get a huge discount cos she'll just charge me for meds.. and I'd probably stay at her place... but I decided against it. Best to get a reputable doc locally.

My gynae recommended that we do 3 medicated IUI cycles then IVF if we weren't successful. I was skeptical and didn't want IUI. The clinic then informed me I needed to wait at least 3 months for IVF anyway (some protocol to follow. Tests... waiting list etc..), so may as well try IUI while waiting.

First IUI was a failure.

Second IUI didn't even happen because I was told my lining was too thin. My regular doctor was away and another doctor attended to me. I asked the clinic if it could have been due to the clomid. She said it couldn't have been. Yet thinning of uterine lining is a well-known side effect of clomid. I don't know if I can trust that stand-in doc. She basically told me that IUI would be a waste. And that if I wanted, they could just give me a trigger shot and we can try naturally at home. Then she went on to say that even if fertilisation took place, implantation is unlikely because the lining is too thin. AND even if implantation took place, the lining wouldn't be lush enough to suppose the embryo.

What a great way to crush my hopes in the clinic. If you are still reading this, it's the SGH CARE clinic.

I held the tears in until I was in the taxi ride home, then proceeded to cry the rest of the afternoon away.

1st IVF Next Cycle

We'll be headed to SGH to sigh the IVF consent this Friday. I'm still hoping and praying that somehow, miraculously, I'll test pregnant this Friday then we won't need to proceed with IVF.

Today, my fertility friend app informed me that I had a triphasic chart beginning CD26. Yay, there is hope. I came home to pee on a stick. Big Fat Negative on DPO 11.

This triphasic chart has given me (false?) hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see a BFP by Friday.
GAH it's driving me NUTS.

Gah. I'm sick. sick sick sick.

My nose is so stuffed that I haven't really 'smelt' anything today. I sound like a frog. My head feels like it's going to split open.

And it's all Melvin's fault.

Melvin is still sick too. We went to the doctor's together. So the conversation went something like this -

Doc: Melvin, you were here last Thursday.. Hmm. Haven't recovered? I'll prescribe more meds then.

Me: Make it two. Whatever he's got, I've got too.

It's apparently not the 'flu'. Some upper respiratory tract infection. That apparently, when 1 person gets, the entire family normally follows suit. Fantastic.

I'm a little drugged so complete sentences take time to form in my head. going to sleep the day away.

It's the start of week 3 of teaching (though technically, I've only been teaching for 8 working days, including today). Lost two days to a course and one day to PSLE Listening Comprehension.

Things haven't improved one bit.

And there will be a senior teacher observing my class tomorrow for 2 periods.

Who knows, I may be jobless after tomorrow.

I really suck at teaching. The students don't even pay attention to me...

GAH. Nervous.

I had this particular conversation with a colleague today. She asked me if I was enjoying the whole teaching experience. It's been a tiring three days.. but I told her, quite honestly, that they were little monkeys. Albeit adorable ones..

Her advice? Wait a year and my description of the kids will be very different.

The principal also seems rather nice. friendly. gave alot of advice..

In fact, the teachers, on the whole, are very supportive. Offering to help out with this and that.. answering my many stupid questions (umm.. do you call his mom if you catch the boy cheating in spelling?.. oh.. and umm..how DO you teach composition to 9 year olds..). I suppose the politicking doesn't apply unless you're working there full time.

The volume of marking is... a..nightmare.. to say the least. I marked from 1pm (after class) to 5.30pm... went home, had dinner, then marked from 7.30pm to 10.30pm. And I was quite surprised at the concentration needed for marking. Everytime I get distracted, I'll forget where I'd stopped...

And this is without all the admin work a full time teacher needs to do.
*headache*

I still have 2 months to decide.

I received my assignment letter the other day. can't believe that my holiday is coming to an end. *sigh* it has been a wonderful 4 months of doing nothing at all. A pity we all must return to reality. My bank account is almost depleted and it's time to go make some money and get on with a miserable working life.

Sometimes I wish I had Genie's life. Run around the house and bark, eat, sleep and play. If there's such a thing as reincarnation then she must have done something right the previous round, eh?

I wonder what my new work place is like. I'm sure it won't be like my previous workplace at all. I did enjoy working there. I liked my colleagues. It's a tad far, but not THAT bad. Who knows, maybe I'll return if this new thing doesn't work out.

I am annoyed.

Failed to ballot for a flat. Again.

Screw you HDB.

Nuff Said.

It was a very odd experience.

I dreamt of grandma the other night. I won't go into detail, but it ended up with me telling her how much I missed her and bursting out in tears.

When I woke up, I was already crying and felt upset enough to wake Melvin up in the middle of the night. Then I couldn't stop. I just kept crying and crying, until I fell asleep again.

I thought I'd stopped grieving.. apparently my subconscious disagrees. Or maybe because I shove her to the back of my head. bury the thoughts of her somewhere. So I don't think of her all that much, preoccupied by other things and this is a manifestation of buried grief and pain.

Either way, I'm still feeling a lil achy (emotionally speaking). I'm not in my thirties and already 2 very important women in my life has passed - both rather abruptly. I can't describe this feeling of.. loss. There I better stop typing before I burst out in tears again. Time heals all wounds. This will just take time.

And so it is, I'm now a year older (and hopefully, wiser).

It was particularly sweet birthday, though it cost Melvin a bomb and his wallet will spend the next few months recuperating.

We went out in the afternoon for a bit of shopping. I didn't manage to find anything I liked in particular. Nothing I need, really. Though on hindsight, I should have asked for an electric toothbrush. THAT, I need. You girls see how romantic we are? The conversation would have went like:

Melvin:: What would you like for your birthday?
Cat: A toothbrush.

Anyway, since I didn't find anything I liked in particular, he paid for my online shopping instead ^^ Got some items, out of which 25% I will never wear. Don't ask... it looked pretty on the model, but made me look like I was wearing a curtain. Or a sack. Or a prostitute. Depending on which item..

And we went for dinner at The sail@Marina. It was quite romantic, really. We had a private corner of our own that faced the Marina Barrage. Food was average with a not-so-average price tag. Wine and some bubbly. Good bread.

What really made it special was the National Day rehearsals going on at the Barrage :P I got to see fireworks! I mean, I've seen fireworks before in Sydney.. but the whole dinner, wine, fireworks combi... felt good.

I had a coronary when the bill came, though. And complained about it the entire ride home. I mean, it's his treat and he kept saying it's for my birthday so it's OK. But GAaaah I'm never going there again. I can eat for a month what we spent on dinner that night.

I caught the show 'Inception' yesterday. It was quite good. Except I didn't understand what was going on for half the show. Mostly a 'OMGOMGOMG rruuuunnn! ahhh he's gonna get shot!' then a 'why are they chasing him again?'

Yet, it's a good show. I love the concept of a 'dream within a dream' (mostly because I can identify with that annoying... thing).

Didn't understand the ending though. So was he back in reality, or no? can someone please enlighten me..

On another totally unrelated note, I can't wait for lunch with EM and rest of my ex-dept tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to going out with Jen and min and Marcus and Chuu and Irene and Meng, Not all at the same time, but Yaaaaayy~~

I attended a very interesting event over the weekend. It was the 'Lo clan gathering'. Though technically, I wasn't a 'Lo'. Melvin's mom is though, so off we went for a big lunch gathering of over 200 people.

There were 4 generations of the Lo clan present. so you can imagine the handshakes, hellos, hugs etc. Apparently some of Melvin's uncles decided to trace their roots and distant relatives. They managed to dig up photos over 100 years old! The guy they traced it furthest back to was called Generation 1 :P so those alive and attending were called Generation 4 - 7. It's a HUGE undertaking. I really don't know how they did it.

So there were distant relatives travelling from different parts of the world to attend this event. From UK, US, Hong Kong, Malaysia etc etc.

I think it's really fantastic because the younger ones will then know 'ok so THIS is my distant cousin'

It was a full programme. The organising committee did a presentation/slideshow of photos showing the history (as far back as they can) of the family. Where the name came from.. etc.

It was kinda weird for me, I mean, cos I didn't know majority of the people there. But kinda cool.

Also I got to meet Mr Foo. Those from my secondary school would remember him as one of the PE teachers... He's married to Melvin's mom's cousin? I think. Very complicated. Don't remember who's who.

Anyhow, they managed to find 500 'Lo's. Which, imo, is one of the biggest undertakings anyone can do. Cheers to Uncle Anthony and the rest of the organising team!

Ahh I just remembered this conversation I had with Melvin sometime back.

We head to the nearby gym regularly and for those who gym regularly, you'd know each gym has their preferred radio station or playlist.

Anyway, I was surfing youtube at home when I chanced across a very familiar song. One that I hear EVERYTIME I was on that treadmill.

Melvin was like 'Hey! That's the gym song'

And I figured it was up to me to inform him that 'Dear. That is Britney Spears. Called 3'

His immediate reaction of horror was 'OMG I've been gyming to Britney Spears' =.=

So yes, you may use that as blackmail sometime. Melvin Chong gyms to Britney Spears songs.

Well, Glenn told me that jumping rope is one of the best ways to lose weight. So what the heck, I decided to give it a go.

And.. I can tell why.

After fifteen minutes of LEISURE fooling around with the jump rope, I am sweaty, sticky, and mostly feel like I'm about to die of cardiac failure. It's alot more intense than the treadmill (duh!). But it also means I go '1.. 2.. 3... 25..." then I lie down on the cold floor in exhaustion. So it's been "jump 25 times. rest. Jump 25 times. rest." But I had a stop watch so I DID do fifteen minutes actual minutes of jump rope... though it took me a whole of 45 minutes to complete it.
I don't see how people can do 15 minutes nonstop.

Meh. If I stick to this, I'll work my way. Else it's back to the weekly swim/jog.
Other than that, I hit my cardio limit for the week.

Oh crap. It's Sunday. *grumble* Ok, Cardio limit for the next 7 days.

Genie's Birthday is coming up this Sat!
I'm still not sure if I want to organise something for her. I mean, I'm definitely baking a doggie cake for her, but I don't know if I want to invite guests.

Last year, we had a celebration at k9 Campus.. and I also baked a ton of cookies for her 'friends' as well as for my colleagues' dogs. This year, since I don't quite have colleagues I'm seeing the following Monday.. I can skip the cookie baking :P

Cake is a must though. I haven't quite decided what flavour - either apple cinnamon, peanut butter, Pork/carrot or Salmon. Genie has salmon regularly though, so.. I don't know.

Plus I think there's only going to be 1 doggie guest (Lana) if I do send invites. I don't know of any other dogs rowdy enough for Genie. Haha. Requirement: must like to run around and chase other doggie guests. Most dogs I know are so... mild and quiet. Genie will drive those up the wall.

Then there is the fact that we went to k9 with Glenn and Lana like 2 weeks? or 3weeks? ago.. tad too soon for us to return. And I can't invite Lana over because.. umm... she's huge and may upturn furniture while running around with Genie.

Hmmm how?

Dilemma Dilemma.

I've been watching so many TV series that I think my brain's rotting.

Right. So that's a one sentence update. Point proven.

We've been toying with the idea of letting Genie go for a studio photoshoot.
I mean, look at this --> http://furry-photos.com/

Adorable, yes?

Except a basic package of just softcopy pictures (meaning no prints and all) costs $360.
The full on package including print costs $900.

Ouch.

:(

I don't want to announce this on Facebook, so blog it is.

Wedding dinner date is set - 24 July 2011, Orchard Hotel. Reasons for having the dinner on this date is as follows:

1. It's a Saturday so all those involved in the morning customary things don't have to take leave.
2. Had to have it between June - Sept so Glenn can make it
3. Seventh month starts Early August so def before THAT.
4. Hotel is fully booked every weekend until July.
5. And I had to have Orchard Hotel because THERE IS FREE FLOW OF WINE AND BEER

There, I said it. Everyone, please get pissed drunk at my wedding.

I've more or less decided I want 6 Jie Mei's.. so I've asked Shimin and Jen. Will ask Vivien/Erushi (ex-colleagues) and likely 2 cousins.

I know you guys are all over the place and I don't know if you want to fly in to Singapore just for the wedding but please give a tentative reply so that I can help you check with the hotel on room rates (I can get corporate room rates for you.. 200+ a night?)

We haven't worked on the invite list at all so I'm just going to type a tentative list here for my friends.. If you feel I've missed out any names, please let me know. If I've forgotten your name, please give a holla to go 'oi! what about me?' because planning a guest list of 250 pax can be confusing.

I'll be sending out a 'soft invite' via facebook towards the end of this year.. then a proper invite card will be sent to whichever address you give me by May 2011.

From Primary School

Lianne (there's only you in this list. haha. Don't know if you want to come. Long Haul Flights are not pleasant)

From Secondary School

Karen
Lexin & Benjamin

From JC

Shimin
Jen
Irene & Thai
Tim (if he ever responds) & Shan shan (if they're together. I can never be sure if it's on or off)
Chuu Ling?
Meng?
Chee Kwang

From Uni

Fongky ??

Work and others

Marcus (yes, you. come.)
Lisa
Vivien
Erushi
Vivienne
Ben Chow
Lay Pheng
Charles
Renee
Vanessa
Yoko (and Vernon and Brandon and Ashley?)
EM
Chee Liang
Siew Li
Christina
Sean P. (+1? He doesn't know anyone and I don't want the poor guy to sit alone)
Rachel Hoe
Sabrina (+1?)
*Alex Siew - I'm in a dilemma for this one. I want him to be my photographer! Cos the pics he takes always turn out great. He did my ROM for me. BUT on the other hand... I also want him to be a guest, ya'know? YET I dont want to risk hiring a photographer I *don't* know.... so how?

I THINK that's it? maybe. Gah I'm bound to forget somebody. As it is, I forget to invite SOME relatives. It's like this...

Me: OK that's it for my relatives.
Melvin: Umm. Your dad's side?
Me: Yah it's all there!
Melvin: What about your Uncle Teck and his 2 daughters?
Me: Oh. Umm. Can I exclude them?
Melvin: No. And are you inviting your parents?
Me: When hell freezes over.
Melvin: Don't forget Uncle Teck's wife
Me: He has a wife? Maybe they're divorced. I haven't seen her since I was a kid. Sides, I remember she's bitchier than my mother.
Melvin: *sigh* Courtesy invite then
Me: No!
Melvin: *exasperate sigh*

I have been sick. I am still sick.

This bloody flu has been bugging me for more than a week now and it refuses to go away! It started with a high fever (38.5 degrees) the Sunday before last... and well, I've been coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose and spitting out weird gunk ever since. The meds doesn't seem to help.

So much for the first week of my break.

On the bright side, I've just been playing Pharoah/Cleopatra at home and generally bumming around. I like lolling around the house doing nothing.

In fact, there isn't much incentive to leave the house.

Which... isn't all that great.

Need to remember to ask Lexin and Karen out for dinner. It's long overdue.
And Melvin and I owe Lexin and Benjamin a meal. that's long overdue too.

But meanwhile, I shall stay at home coughing and wheezing away and trying not to talk at all because I sound like a man. I wish I could say 'I have a sexy voice now'. But alas, all I do, is sound like a nasal man.

Dropped by Eden's office just now (Eden the deputy Principal, not whatever else you were thinking) to thank him for the guidance over the years.

And I realised how much I meant every word I said to him. I was a fresh grad who didn't know better - and I depended heavily on people like him to teach me and say 'No, this cannot be done this way because...' or 'But what about this, you forgot to consider...'

He's one of the few management staff I truely respect and consider 'one of the good guys'.

If anything, I'll miss his corny jokes during meetings.

As all of you know, my last day at work is 14 May. I have yet to land a full time job. I know I said I want to stay at home and slack. I really do. But certainly not 7 days a week. Sure I'll be very happy playing computer games.. but my mind would rot.

So I have come to a decision that should I not be offered a job by the time 14 May comes around, I'll go back to volunteering at the Rainbow Centre. Not everyday, but perhaps once or twice a week.

If the pay didn't suck so much, I'd actually consider working there. So volunteer it is.

Growing up and starting a family is such a pain.

The number of things on my to-do list gets longer and longer..

1. Wedding dinner (haven't started doing research even)
2. Flat (applied for BTO - finances NOT sorted out)
3. Buy a piano (sure like that's going to happen when I'm saving for a house)
4. PIANO LESSONS (again - not going to happen when I'm saving for a house)
5. Get a job (ah, there is that)

The list above isn't in order of importance :P

The biggest pain is that all the new flats are in places like.. Punggol. Jurong West. Other un-named 'uluated' places.

*sigh*

I hope I get that ballot for BTO in Punggol. The latest plot of land for it is like... 5 minutes walk to the MRT station and 2 streets away from TPE. I don't normally believe in prayers, but here goes a /pray - gimme a high floor 4 room flat at either Punggol Wave or Punggol Emerald

Fancy-shamcy names to confuse people, but that's civil service for you.

This feeling of.. melancholy has been bugging me the past couple of days and I really can't figure out why it is so.

A heavy feeling right inside. I feel the need to sigh, I feel the need to cry.

But for the life of me, I dont know why..

Hey, that rhymes!

Melvin Chong, stop telling me I have fat arms and thighs. Don't mention my tummy.
If you don't find me desirable cos I'm fat, then there is always your hand.
Thanks.

It seems that I didn't pass the interview - because it's been weeks and still no word.

I came to work today thinking 'what the heck - i'll resign anyway'

And I did.

Already spoke to the assistant director.

My last day at work is likely to be 15 May.

I've finally done it - Resignation has been on my mind since umm.. 2 years ago.

Now I can only hope I land another job soon!

I totally collapsed in bed and spent the weekend sleeping. If one tiny ROM event is so tiring, I can't imagine how much worse organising a wedding dinner is.

It was raining on Saturday morning when we left the house. Had to reach the makeup artist (MUA)/salon place by 10am. umm. we left the house at 10am. Melvin has an issue with leaving the house. Everytime, I'd be standing there dressed and ready to go while he runs around doing his hair, looking for socks etc. And what was he doing when I was getting ready? Reading comics online =.= One of these days I'm just going to leave the house w/o him and go wherever on my own.

Anyway, we left the house and it was raining. Some lady walked in front of us and totally stole our cab so I waved a friendly middle finger at her. If my right arm wasn't busy clutching my ROM dress, it would have been two middle fingers.

The makeup was fabulous. the MUA gave me double eyelids. All she did was stick a masking tape on my eyes for a few minutes and voila! Double eyelids for the rest of the day.
The hairstylist almost killed me with the amount of hairspray. And she tied my hair so tightly, my scalp hurt for the rest of the day. But it looked good. And I got 'pearls' stuck in my hair too.
I got it all at a good price too. We paid like only 80 bucks? 85 bucks?
Commercial prices stand at about $200.
If you don't mind your hair and makeup being done by 50 year old aunties, then it's a good deal.

His parents then picked us up and we made our way to Furama Riverfront.
Then came the whole issue of Melvin asking his dad to go by Havelock Road, and his dad insisting on going by Orchard. There was this huge jam at Cairnhill/Orchard so... we got stuck there.

Then the hotel called to say 'Your JP is here..' then Alex (photographer) called to say 'err.. I'm here.' then some of guests called as well...

And we were STILL stuck at Orchard.

Then Melvin suddenly said 'errr. we forgot to print our vows.'

Shite.

Then my aunt called and said "Where are we supposed to go? Up the escalator?"
To which my response was "Yi. Furama RIVERFRONT"
My aunt's response? "Oops. Wrong hotel"

And to think I printed a map for her.

She arrived even later than I did (and she's one of my witnesses so we couldn't proceed without her)

The JP (who's a director at ITE?) must have been thinking 'OMG these people...' Especially after Melvin told him 'umm, can we use the standard vows? We kinda forgot ours'

So Mr Chia (JP) had to improvise.

Maybe that's why he decided to play a prank on us. I don't know. But I nearly died when he said 'To show your guests how much you love each other, you now need to declare 'I love you' to each other'

Gaaaah! Down the mic. in front of all my relatives. omg so embarassing.

When it came to 'You may kiss the bride', I turned my cheek to Melvin so he wouldn't embarass me further by errr.. wet smooches. I swear he wriggled his eyebrows at me.

We took alot of photos. I paid for one photographer but had the services of three and more.
Uncle Edward (Melvin's side) and my Uncle Teng love to take pictures... plus kaypoh tourists at the hotel lobby snapped pictures as we walked by...

Uncle Sam said it felt like some VIP event with all the random pictures taken by people who weren't even invited.

I guess it's to be expected when we're holding it in the lounge.

After everyone left, i changed out of the dress and we rushed to look at a flat. Someone was urgently selling his flat and was willing to let go at valuation price. 5 room flat for 380k? Floor area was 121 square metres. Quite spacious, though the house has not been renovated in 15 years and is in desperate need of re-tiling.

It's a fabulous buy, and if we got it, renovated and tried to sell it later, we'll def make a profit.
I mean, goodness. The size of the bathroom is prob almost equivalent to the size of a new flat's bedroom. It's HUGE.

Decided against it in the end because no matter how you look at it, we're not financially ready to own such a flat. Sides, what do we do with all the space...
Plus I hate it that the unit is on the top most level.

Then I got home and literally collapsed in bed.

*sigh* well.

Most of you know by now. Grandma passed away over the weekend. It was a particularly painful wake. Thank goodness for all the aunts/uncles who were around.

We burnt her a bigbig house (and a mercedes!). Which reminds me, I gotta buy those numbers for the next 49 days. I mean, the youngest aunt was jumping up and down in fury. Her unit number was the first prize on Sat (the day Grandma passed).. and she didn't buy it =/

A few 'creepy' things have happened since her passing, some at the wake itself and others after her cremation. I won't elaborate here. It gives us hope that Grandma is still around in spirit..

I went for my first brazilian. and OMG the PAIN!
It looks weird and feels even weirder when I shower (where did all the hair go?). Wouldn't have done it if Melvin didn't offer to pay. Of course, I had to deal with him acting like a little boy at Christmas for the rest of the day. It was like a 'lets go home!' and me going 'No i still need to do some stuff...'

I hope I passed yesterday's interview...

Nothing much to else to update everyone on. I don't want to talk about grandma all the time, yah?

It pains me to visit grandma.

She started going for radiotherapy last Friday and would need to do so every day for the next 5 - 10 days. Depending on how well she responds to the radiotherapy, it may give her up to three more months.

The doctor didn't recommend/encourage the radiotherapy at first because it will cause her alot of discomfort. And she may get confused/blur.. plus at her age, you really cannot tell how she'll respond to the treatment. Cost vs Benefit, I guess. For all that, they can only give her a few weeks more at best. Worst case scenerio, is that the treatment will make her worse because she is already so weak.

I guess she wanted it badly enough for the doctor to give the go ahead. Maybe it gives her the small hope that she'll make it for my ROM - something for her to look forward to.
I can only hope she'll be comfortable and alert on that day. If she passes like the day before our solemnisation, or (choy!) on the day itself, I really don't know how we can carry on. Just cross my fingers and hope, I guess.

She's visibly weaker everytime I visit her. And just that bit more yellow. In fact, kinda orange..
And she's lost so much weight. Lianne would remember - my grandma's kinda chubby :P Positively round, even. Now.. she's.. kinda... well.. not skeletal... shrunken, I guess. She kinda shrunk. It's like she dropped 15 - 20kg or something.

On another note, everytime I go visit her, I get a little something. A gold bracelet here, jade pendant there.. Everytime she tries to give me something, I'm tempted to say 'No, you keep it. Wear it when you get better.' But I know she won't get better, and she knows as well. So I say 'thank you' and wear it.

Then I'd go home and think that I don't want all these things. I don't want her money. I don't want her jewellery. I just want her alive, well and happy.

stressed. stressed. stressed.

Hotel of choice for ROM is available. Need to confirm booking.
JP is free but he needs to leave the venue at 1pm sharp. So this means bringing forward the ROM by an hour. Dont know if the hotel is agreeable.

Have I mentioned I have not settled dress or makeup or photographer?

And Have I mentioned I am, at the same time, coordinating a 700person survey, MOE Excel Day, 10-15 school exhibitions, 3 school tours and more....
AND IT IS ALL HAPPENING IN MARCH

AAAARRRGGHHHH

Maybe there won't be a need to rush the ROM afterall....

My aunt says Gran's turning yellow.. Liver failure...

A few weeks more, at the most...

It's not fair. The doctor said 6 - 12 mths. How come it suddenly became 6 - 12 weeks?

It's really weird how I don't feel rested after a supposed long weekend. Maybe it's gotta do with the little fact that I was out practically every single day visiting relatives.

It was great catching up with everyone.. except all my aunts/uncles kept pressing Melvin and I to (at the very least) register our marraige before grandma dies.
I don't know.

While it's a good idea, partly logical even, that we can just bring forward our plans by one year so that my dear dear grandma can attend one more happy occasion..
I just.. don't know.

It's very rushed. We need to settle everything very quickly because we don't know how fast she'll deteriorate... so ideally, we have before June to ROM.

It just.. doesn't feel natural. I don't feel ready. And I don't want to feel as though I'm getting married to satisfy one of her wishes, instead of doing it because Melvin and I are ready to do so. He's not even financially secure.

Sure, by all accounts, we are kinda married. We stay together, we make plans together, we talk about how many kids we want to have etc. Yet... why does it feel like I'm about to sign my life away?

Plus, I feel totally cheated of my romantic proposal. I mean, sure he's going to 'propose'.. but he has a 2 or 3 month deadline. Take the whole sitation into view and it feels so.. like.. the proposal is like.. something.. that needs doing. There's no surprise.. no.. ROMANCE in it at all. It's like a 'lets get it over and done with. there, you kneel there, show me the ring, and I agree'.

Sides, I so totally planned on saying 'No I dont want to marry you' just to give Melvin a coronary.
Now he knows I can't say no.

Goddamnit.

So all the fun in getting married just wooshed out the window. One step at a time. Wedding dinner, maybe 2011, eh?

Irene - I need your help! how does an ROM day go?

I suppose I should give everyone an update, though what a way to celebrate the upcoming CNY.

I was informed this morning that Gran has stage 4 cancer. She has 6 - 12 months left to live.
I'd type more, but am at a loss for words.

so yea.

It's almost V-day cum CNY..

Every year, I daydream about Melvin surprising me with a romantic night out.

And it never happens.. cos he doesn't ever put in effort to plan these things.

And when I tell him to 'surprise me' - well, I'm not, in the least.

Doesnt happen for Anniversaries. or Vday. Or any occasion.

Meh.

And so, Gran's in hospital.

She's been complaining about feeling bloated and generally discomfort for a month now. And I guess pain must have set in on Thursday night/Friday morning, so she gave my yi a call and got admitted into NUH.

There was, apparently, an ulcer/growth in her stomach that ruptured, causing internal bleeding and all. So they took a sample of the growth for testing, stopped the bleeding, and topped her up with one satchel of blood (not neccesarily in that order).

I had to get Yoko to cover for me for last night's school exhibition so I could rush to the hospital to visit Grandma. Visiting hours are strictly over at 8pm for High Dependancy Ward patients..

I guess they sloshed Grandma with drugs, she could barely talk and could just manage to shake/nod her head/mumble. So I just held her hand and talked nonsense until it was time to go.

The test results will be out on Tuesday and they'll schedule an op to remove that growth. We can only hope it's not cancerous.

I'll be visiting her again tomorrow morning. and likely every evening after work until she's discharged.. and.. she may be staying there until CNY is over. She's not pleased about that, but nothing much can be done. I bought bird's nest for her to enjoy after her impending operation so there's that at least.

Speaking of which, I FEEL POOR. Bird's nest for 2 grandmas (bought another box for Ama since I was shopping, ya'know?), haircut, Bak kwa (It's like the price of gold. $48 for 1kg!!)... total damage > $200.. in... one.. afternoon..

Between worrying for grandma, worrying about me getting broke, and worrying about work, and worrying about Melvin's jobless state - no wonder I'm stressed and pimples are popping up all over my face.

Sigh!

Genie went for her grooming session at Vivocity over the weekend. She currently doesn't look like my dog. We decided to head to Vivo because the last groomer she had gave her nicks and cut her nails till they bled. And vivo looked quite popular.. so we gave it a shot. I really need to look for a groomer who knows how to do the westie cut. Correction. I need to look for one that operates in the EAST. All the recommended groomers seem to located in the west side of SG. Holland.. CCK.. the like. Same for vets btw. Which is why we had to drive Genie all the way to Jalan Kayu for her spay op.

Genie and the groomer didn't get off to a very good start. When he knelt down and called her, she ignored him. And when he reached to carry her, she shrunk into a corner..
Melvin and I took a peek at the grooming process from a discreet corner at one point and I admit, Genie isn't the most cooperative of dogs. Everytime the groomer, Derrick, tried to adjust her head a lil to cut her fur, she'll use her kung-fu paws to try and push his hands away.

When we picked her up, the groomer was like 'this one, very naughty'. Dear me.

I can't wait for Glenn to get his vet degree. Free consult for Genie, yay! Provided he comes back to SG, that is. He'll complete his degree when Genie turns 4 or 5 years old. Get 1 or 2 years of exp, then just nice. Genie would be a Senior Doggizen by then and will need vet care.

See? it all works out :)

It's gotten to the point whereby I'd give any excuse to not head into the office.

Definitely time to leave.


On another note, I've been on FB regularly lately.. mostly because of the games ^^ For some reason, I enjoy stupid time wasting games like Cafe World. Or at least, that's the version I click around in when I have no access to my own desktop (I have Restaurant Empire 2 installed). I'm beginning to think this game thing is getting out of hand. No, I don't sacrifice face to face human contact because of games. I'm probably mildly addicted to games, but not to the point whereby I cut off all contact from the world, that sorta thing.

It's just.. I have sooo many games installed, sometimes I can't decide which one I want to play.
I have weird clicky ones that let you search for hidden items.. I have sims3... I have, as mentioned, Restaurant Empire 2... EverQuest 2... Eve... Titanquest... Gourmania (I love this one)... and of course, Frozen throne. Dota once in awhile is fun.

And those are the 'main' games. I also have a small corner of what.. 10 games.. i've installed but haven't tried. And those are likely to remain unplayed until I 'feel like it'..

Umm yeah. Like I said, I think this game thing is getting out of hand.

The topic of elderly daycare cropped up over lunch with the relatives. I think it's a great idea, really.

Currently, Ama is stuck at home with no one to talk to. I mean, Uncle Sam is great and he puts in effort to take care of Ama.. but seriously, Ama isn't leaving the house enough. She says she doesn't want to go out because she's tired.

I don't think it's healthy, being at home all the time with no one to talk to.

I'm not promoting dumping old ladies in old folks home or anything, mind you. Just elderly daycare.

I think it's good for her to spend maybe, just a day or two a week at elderly daycare. Drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the evening. The old folks get to socialise, play games, do taichi etc. It sounds alot better than 'wake up, watch tv, have lunch, sleep, watch tv..'

It's not cheap sending her to daycare, but I think Uncle Sam may let her try for a month or so to see if she likes it. I suspect she'd resist the first few times, but she may warm up to it once she finds herself enjoying the day there..

Do you think Elderly Daycare is workable?

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

4- the Individualist

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level

• my ability to establish warm connections with people

• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

• being unique and being seen as unique by others

• having aesthetic sensibilities

• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

• feeling guilty when I disappoint people

• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me

• expecting too much from myself and life

• fearing being abandoned

• obsessing over resentments

• longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games

• are very sensitive

• feel that they don't fit in

• believe they are missing something that other people have

• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

• help their children become who they really are

• support their children's creativity and originality

• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

I guess it's quite accurate. If you're interested, the test can be taken here

Sorry for the MIA..

Work's been.. up to here lately. So much stuff to do. I've been reaching home at 9 or 10pm every night the last week or so.

And I was working over the weekend.
And I'm expected to attend to an event this weekend as well.

Not attend an event. attend TO. means, work.

I mean, I enjoy bits of my job, I do. I like talking to kids.. I enjoy being out there and I like my colleagues. Hell, I like my bosses. They're the encouraging sort and if a mistake is made, they'd focus on the issue, how to solve and prevent such things from happening again etc. I know some bosses who'd spend more time picking on what you SHOULD have done..
They tell me I'm doing well. That they are pleased I'm on the team.

But at the end of it all, why am I still not satisfied?
And why do I feel so damn incompetent? Why does it feel like I can do better - yet I'm always doing something wrong. It's always something. A typo in a publication, some information missed out. I do not like my work riddled with mistakes.

It feels like I should be happy with my work place. I don't have much to complain about. Yet..
I'm not happy. I'm not UNhappy, either, if that's what you're wondering about.

It's just.. a dissatisfaction at the back of my mind

Maybe I'd never be happy/content with what I have.

On another note, Glenn's leaving soon and I simply have to make time to head out with him at least a couple of times more. Gaah. No time, no time.

Stressed.at.work.

Will go MIA until 12 Jan.

Happy New Year's all.

Note to self: be careful when holding a glass of wine.

This has got to be the *most* embarrassing Christmas.

We attended a Christmas party at Melvin's Uncle's place.. kinda like a Grandfather's birthday cum X'mas sorta celebration so most of the relatives, cousins etc were there.

Naturally there was pre-dinner wine and all.

I'm sure you can tell where I'm going by now. Except it's MUCH worse.

I was leaning against the wall, holding a glass of wine, chatting to one of his aunts. Can you tell where this story is headed yet?

Ruben was running around the house. He's like six or seven. Typical kid. And yes, he bumped into me and the entire glass of wine splashed.

It was on me.. the floor... and ALOT of it... on the white wall behind me...... It was as if someone died there and had blood flowing from this huge splotch all the way to the floor. Melvin ran to the kitchen to grab a cloth to clean the wall while I stood there in a wine soaked dress looking utterly horrified.

I finally regained my senses and went to the bathroom to clean up but when I returned... the leaking red splotch was now a permanent shade of grey on what was once a pristine white wall.

What a way to leave an impression. Permanent too. The only way they're going to get rid of that stain is to go over with a fresh coat of paint.

I don't know how I managed to survive the rest of the party. The owners of the lovely penthouse were kind/gracious enough not to mention the incident at all for the rest of the night. But boy, I bet they're thinking along the lines of 'OMG!'. I wanted to like.. I dunno.. hug Aunt Lucy and said I was sorry or something. But I was just too embarrassed and spent most of the time wanting to slink into a hole/die somewhere quietly.

GAAAhhhh.

Alright, Pictures from the Batam Weekend. Uncle Teng's the designated photographer so I don't have any pictures of the man behind the camera.

Glenn and I at the check-in counter.

Our Family Villa! 2 bedrooms, with a small dining/kitchen area in between. The balcony (you can see part of it on the left) extends all the way from there.. to.. the.. right of the house :P

This is the view from the balconey. It was a rainy Saturday, as you can tell. In the distance... is Singapore. We were like 'what?! We took 45 minutes to travel here by boat and look it's so near!' I dared Glenn to row his own boat into the country to see if he gets picked up by the coast guard.


The boys had a good time looking at fishes swimming near the rocky beach (?) There were bright colored ones in the nearby lagoon. Glenn loved this bright blue spotted one. My favourite were the yellow tails. They swam in convoy. hee~ Pity we couldn't get a picture.


These are the beach front huts.. Though, technically, the spa huts are in between these and the ocean. The spa huts are LOVELY. They dangle out into the ocean in stilts. When you look down from the hut's balcony, it IS the ocean.

On our way to the spa..

We were allocated spa huts next to each other! 2 in each hut. You can't see in this picture, but there's a jaccuzzi right next to the balcony.. yes.. looking directly at the sea.. I imagine it must have been awkward for Glenn and Uncle Teng to share a jaccuzzi tub though. Glenn was pretty much 'I'm not sharing a tub with my dad!' but since the spa people provided nice batik shorts for the oh-so-modest men, it turned out alright. I got to wear a batik sarong too!

Well that's all I have for pictures.. of course.. if I was in charge, there'd be more pictures of the spa itself.. but oh wells.. No pictures of Melvin drooling in his sleep on the massage table then.

It's midweek and I'm exhausted.

And feeling very poor. Which is bad considering payday was... yesterday.

I blame it on the house hunting.

Not that we're seriously getting a house like Now, right now, today, tomorrow, next month.
But it's good to get a feel of things, you know?

Here's the scenerio:

A 4A (or 4A1)-Room flat near his parent's place cost $320 - $350k. Lets assume 350k.
We'd be eligible for a 40k grant for living near his parents.
So 310k left.
With a combined monthly income of $5500 (assuming Melvin earns like 3k or something), our max loan is capped at 250k or 260k.. with us paying back $1100 every month for the next thirty years.
Either way.. 350k - 40k - 250k = 60k.

Now where do we find 60k? I know. Buy Toto and hope.

Geez. How do people afford their own houses, I'll never know.

You're going to have to bear with me. This house topic will crop up from time to time because I take a look at the HDB website every few months to keep an eye on cost and hope for additional grants.

On another note, I can't wait for this weekend. Will show pictures if we take any (or if I manage to sneak a picture of Melvin on the message table butt naked)

Then again. you wouldn't want to see those pictures, right? I don't want to be responsible for your bleeding eyes.